Showing posts with label friendship. Show all posts
Showing posts with label friendship. Show all posts

The Fragile Eggs of Companionship





I've had the sinking feeling, at times, that I've put too many precious eggs in too few welcoming baskets. And at times I’ve been afraid that some of them, some of the most carefully and deeply invested eggs, have been casually dismissed…neglected…tossed around…even stomped on, crushed and obliterated, whether intentionally or not. And when this happens, what else is there to do but pick up the pieces, these shattered remnants of what had been a blossoming interpersonal relationship, and try another approach? I’m not one to just turn my back and walk away, because there must have been a good reason why I had been compelled to invest so deeply. Some combination of factors had made it worth it, had made it seem reciprocated in kind, and I want to put all effort into at the very least reevaluating and redistributing these factors so that something, if not all of it, can still remain between us. Sometimes this was just a casual friendship, sometimes a much more enduring one, once it was even an intimate one. As it turns out, obviously enough, the magnitude of the resulting damage is in this same order.

Interestingly, it's not those who blatantly stomp on the eggs who inflict the most pain. In this way it's quick and made very clear, at least, despite the violence, despite the pain. No, rather, it's the more casual, slow-going dismissals that are particularly difficult to make sense of and deal with—when you don't realize the damage that has been accumulating, that mess slowly growing in the bottom of that particular basket, oozing and spreading over any other still-healthy eggs. It slowly infects the entire scope of the relationship, so gradually that it goes almost entirely unnoticed until one day you open your eyes and all of the damage, all of the shattered broken mess, is laid bare.

My first instinct upon realization is to gather them up, all of these eggs I've distributed, all of the ones still healthy and functioning at least and, after cleaning up the messes of those that didn’t endure, encase them in something hopefully impenetrable like diamond, or adamantium. Protect them, these fragile investments of mine, so as not to let any possibility remain of such abuse and hardship. Then, once properly armored, maybe give a few of them back (just a few!) to each connection of mine, enough to at least enjoy a nice friendship, and keep the rest of them locked safely away inside an unbreakable vault to deny any access.

But what good would that do? Sure they'd be safe inside the confines of their hardened shells, but life would then be almost unbearably dull and lonely. Because what at first seems better and more comforting, to carefully reinvest the new batch and take in the comfort of knowing they will be safe in their armored shells, is actually its own separate kind of trap; the comfort would be short-lived. The relationships they symbolize would now be unchanging by definition, perhaps even more destined to fade because of this. Because again, a gradually fading, casually dismissed investment is much more damaging in the end, being unchanging in this decline, than one that can be addressed and modified accordingly.

The deeply-rooted trouble here is that addressing the complications of any relationship requires the willful cooperation of all parties involved. So your friend, or your partner, must also desire to make amends together with you. I believe this is the supreme difficulty we all face in our relations, why it sometimes seems so difficult to connect with those we hold so dear. They must also realize that there is something which needs addressing, that there is perhaps not enough cushioning for those ever-fragile eggs you are incubating together. This is the case with even the most casual of friendships, and I assert that this is the primary cause of most, if not all, damaged relations of all kinds.

I think, then, of all the potential, all the as yet unrealized beauty that these priceless, fragile little eggs can bring me and others, the fullness that will otherwise be hopelessly lacking among all relations. Whether this is a “standard” friendship, even if maybe one of those incredibly fun ones that are destined to dwindle somewhat in time (but on good terms), maybe even one of those exceptionally real, dependable, everlasting ones that you can rely on until the bitter end of time, or maybe, just maybe, a romance, the truest most beautiful fairy tale come to reality, it doesn’t alter this fundamental idea of cooperation and mutual effort and consideration.

And sometimes a little nudge is all another person needs to realize a shortcoming on their part; for this reason it is always important to keep up your own efforts. I’ve noticed a lot of people tend to sit themselves on the sidelines and insist that the other person is the one who needs to come out and say or do something, but the danger here is that if everyone involved is under the same impression, nothing is going to happen. Somebody has to begin the effort! But I, or anyone, cannot bring out this potential alone. It is, as uncomfortable as the realization makes me, entirely dependent on others. This has to be done carefully; it can't be forced, or pressured, or otherwise coerced without jeopardizing the very thing being attempted to develop.

No, the eggs need to be able to grow, to hatch and blossom, on their own time. If we want any chance of a meaningful relationship (any kind, friendly or romantic), the eggs need to exist in all their full fragile glory. For when you are entrusted with these eggs you are their incubator, their basket. You need to understand the responsibilities you have been trusted with. Understand that they need love, patience, and understanding—all that you can muster, to the absolute best of your ability. They will thrive and reward you beyond the wildest dreams imaginable. Nothing else in the world can provide this like a truly understanding, mutual relation can.

I can't help but wonder what things would be like if people, with all their feelings and emotions, could be reliably fit somehow into a calculation. A set of calculations can triangulate the position of a tiny rock, or spacecraft, hurtling through space to incredible accuracy. This can be very, very useful, for obvious reasons. That the factors involved are even able to be recognized and predicted make all the difference. The same goes for many, many things in our lives. But such a strategy is all but useless with a person's feelings. Sure, there must be people who have developed an uncanny skill in reading people, and maybe can make startlingly accurate predictions about others and how to go about building whatever depth of relation is most achievable between them. But I don't think there is the slightest chance of such a practice being even remotely reliable on a large meaningful scale, or across a meaningful timeline, by most people. The depth of each person's mind is an unimaginably complex place, and I find it somewhat… frightening, to be honest, but ruthlessly fascinating. Maybe it's a wonder anyone gets along at all, let alone bond like so many lifelong friendships have or especially truly fall in love. These precious eggs we are always entrusting into each other represent so much of what is so advantageous to us as human beings, able to form these sorts of bonds among each other and face the wild complexities of the world together.

And so absolutely any connection is meaningful and important beyond any combinations of words, and is worthy of every bit of care and consideration possible. It's just not worth missing out on because of what may very well be petty differences exaggerated by stubbornness from one or both sides. That person you met one time, who said something weird and you never talked to them again, could have been the most beloved friend or companion you could possibly have hoped to have. That person who you used to be good friends with, and who never seems to call or want to hang out anymore and you don't feel like you should have to "put all the effort in," could also be the most beloved friend or companion you could possibly have. One extra little egg entrusted to them could have made all the difference. You don’t know unless you’ve put forth all of your effort deemed worthy for their cause, and carefully but graciously invested upon them a portion of your own collection of priceless eggs for incubation.

Whatever the case, the nourishment of these eggs needs cooperation and uncompromising honesty. For the love of all things, please let’s communicate with each other. Effectively! It's stunning how often this gets in the way, this simple lack of communication, needlessly complicating things or destroying them altogether. When there are differences between two people, embrace them! Differences can help us learn together, see things from entirely separate vantage points, like nothing else can. And when there are similarities between people, embrace them as well! Similarities can help us reinforce our own drives and interests because we find comfort when other people have developed them similarly yet independently.

If you feel even the slightest shred of feeling for a person, even the tiniest bit of compassion for another, don't completely give up on them when things might have grown awkward or distant. And if someone, no matter how dear to you they are, wishes for you to lose touch with others (or if you realize that this is happening of its own accord), please consider this long and hard. There is probably more at stake than you realize. I submit that it is absolutely not worth it in the end if a newly found loved one imposes upon you to spend less time, or no time at all, with your previously held group of friends. I do not believe that one single romantic relationship can outshine a handful of long-held friendly ones… yet I see this time and time again and is, ultimately, one of the primary driving factors built into this writing.

Because it hurts, because there is no reason why a person can’t retain all prior friendships, even if somewhat less devotedly, after entering into a romantic one. That romance should be built into the already existing web of connections without drastically altering its structure. Otherwise one is going to come across as if those friendships were only mere placeholders for the one actual relation that was being sought after all along. And I don’t believe that anyone actually goes about their lives that way, but many seem to tend to react in such a way as if this is somehow what is “meant” to happen. I worry sometimes that societal factors have built into many peoples’ minds that that one true love romance-turned-marriage is the prime objective and all else is secondary if not spread out to the sidelines altogether. But no, with every bit of stress that I can place on a single sentence, this is not how our ongoing relationships need to play out. All of these precious eggs that have been devoted in such an interweaving mesh of interconnections have had so much care, consideration, and time built into their foundations that unimaginable havoc is bound to be wreaked upon them under such circumstances, havoc probably not even realized inside the blissful mind of the romanced party.

This isn’t always the case, of course, and I applaud all of those who manage to maintain the best combinations of relations possible. In my own experience, however, this is not often the case, and it troubles me more deeply than most things witnessed so far in my time. And I always try to tell myself that it’s merely a phase, an understandable phase where hormones and emotions run rampant, but in truth this doesn’t comfort me much because I know that by the time those emotions have settled, and someone begins to desire those friendly relations once again, they may be long gone after having moved on themselves, having exhausted their own efforts to keep that basket warm and nourishing.

I, for one, am going to always focus on distributing my own eggs as far and wide as I can manage, carefully considering those seeming to be most worthy and considerate of them, in order to enjoy as much shared fulfillment in life as I can possibly maintain. And I hope that others will do the same in return, not only for me in particular, but for everyone else striving so earnestly to connect with so many other people inhabiting this wildly complicated planet together. Each of us are all we all have to truly connect and relate with, and this should never be cast to the sidelines. Don't reinforce the eggs. They need room to grow. Reinforce the baskets, and reinforce your individual efforts to form, retain, and nurture these connections. The time we all have here together needs to be cherished with every fiber of every person's being. Every little tick of the clock occurs and is gone forever. I don't like to think of time as the means by which wounds are healed, but as the means by which they are learned to be dealt with and learned from, and maybe even simply forgotten if such is the case. Perhaps this is what some call "healing”. As long as we try hard enough, the best is yet to come.

Posted by Unknown | at 11:07 PM | 0 comments

Merging Two Worlds



 
I realized long ago that my interests, my devotions and my heart exist almost exactly in equal depth for two discrete places—Kansas City, the place I currently call home and where my family is and all of my current investments such as school and work are rooted, and Cheyenne, Wyoming, the place I used to call home and where so many of my closest friendly bonds still reside where I grew up during my most formative early teenage years. Each place has more than its own fair share of positive considerations and factors to keep each set of emotions, interests, devotions and investments powerfully tied to them. I take a lot of comfort in this, but for that reason I find myself stuck in a perpetually awkward state of longing for whichever place I’m not currently breathing in the sweet air of at each passing moment.

So there is a kind of distance which always separates me from both places simultaneously…because this distance isn’t just the obvious physical one, for however many actual miles are between myself and one of these beautiful places, that same number of miles, manifested emotionally, always works to separate me from the other. If there was some way that I could merge the two worlds, and have forever all of the cherished variables that I so long to be a part of, all of them combined in the most wonderful way, I would tear apart the fabric of space-time with my bare hands to bring them together and I don’t think I could ever ask for anything more.

There are almost 700 torturous miles separating these two worlds. And each one has its own intense well of gravity, always mercilessly tugging me away from the other. Only periodically do I get the opportunity to cut the chains keeping me rooted here in Kansas City and let myself drift that way, over to Cheyenne. The largest of these chains are those of school and work—because only with the blessing of each of these can I make time to temporarily break free from their otherwise unrelenting grip on my focus. I can always still keep in touch and communicate in ways not so different from what is usually taking place anyway, so it’s not so much a matter of separating myself from the people I’m surrounded by here as it is a matter of separating myself from the career-oriented lifestyle I’m surrounded by. And so the beautiful fairy tale setting I can’t shake from my mind (if I even wanted to) is the one in which all of the people I so often find myself dreaming about, together in equal parts both here in Kansas City and there in Cheyenne, are here with me together at once. I absolutely cannot think of a better world than one which incorporates all of the best attributes of both of these, seamlessly combined into a true fairy tale setting if there ever was one.

For obvious reasons my most immediate concerns are those of school and work, and so there really is no question about where I need to be now…at least for the time being, in this moment. And being closer to family, both immediate here in town and slightly less immediate only a couple hours away, is a very nice thing. But on the other hand, in the place that I used to call home (and still do for a fleeting two weeks out of the year), I have some of my longest and deepest-held friendships and the physical surroundings which never fail to provide intensely treasured nostalgic feelings of their own. And although this woefully short amount of time I’m able to take advantage of each year is so relatively brief, separated by about twenty-five times this amount of time, in which I must remain devoted to more productive pursuits here at “home”, all of this time and distance that seems so daunting all the while I’m away seems to just dissolve and fade away the moment I arrive and see all the familiar faces I’ve been missing for so long. And then it’s almost as if I was never even gone at all. It’s a feeling of belonging simply without compare.

If there is ever any doubt in my mind about whether I should really be utilizing my entire vacation time to travel out there and mingle into the ongoing social network, whether I’m still going to fit in and be appreciated, it is utterly demolished almost immediately as I never fail to seamlessly blend back into the scene. It's funny, sometimes, how often people are surprised that I'd take my vacations and come out here to Cheyenne time after time. "Cheyenne, of all places?!" Yes, beautiful Cheyenne, so full of all these wonderful friendships. Truth is, there's no place in the world I'd rather be when I get the chance.

I guess I could say that I’m more physically tied to my current home, and more emotionally tied to my prior home. But this is without a doubt mostly because of the simple fact that I’ve lived here for so long and have career-oriented goals that have been progressing for much of that time. I guess I could also say that my bright future (as its prospects are currently situated) lies here in Kansas City, while my longed-for past (as its prospects are currently situated, as well) lie all the way over there in Cheyenne. There are some deep considerations in this realization, because there are many important variables which are so easy to overlook if I let imagination run rampant and neglect to consider more than sheer longing for the past and what I only get to experience briefly each year.

There is something to be said, of course, of the fact that my time spent in Cheyenne each year is a worry-free vacation from my career-oriented goals and that these emotions are undoubtedly heightened by this. Admittedly, by the end of each visit there is a part of me looking forward to returning to my busy, productive routine back in Missouri. I do enjoy being busy and productive, and I always have to admit that the carefree vacation really does need to come to an end, as far as my bright future is concerned. So it’s difficult to say how things would be if the situation was reversed and I was using my vacation time each year to visit friends and family back in Missouri. I think it would be strikingly similar, in its own way—I would miss family and friends, and I would try to set aside time to come visit, and I would probably feel an intense longing for such times once I returned (to Cheyenne). But I would realize that I needed to return, because I would have a productive life to continue when my vacation time ran out. The two versions are not so different. Such is my devotion to and my connections in both places.

Perhaps the most important consideration of all is that I’m really only drawn back to Cheyenne each chance I get because of the incredible people in it. I’m not particularly drawn to the place because of the place itself—although if I happened to be passing by and absolutely none of my good friends remained, I’d probably drive through and stop at a couple familiar places at least to appreciate some nice nostalgia. But my true interests lie with the inhabitants and for this reason I need to be careful not to rely too much on these people who might not stick around themselves. I must take this fact of life for all of its implications, because when all things are considered the most important thing, besides the familiar friendly faces I definitely would like to be close to, is to be situated physically where I can make the most for myself regardless of the people that have every reason of their own to come and go (the same thing applies, of course, to Kansas City). In an ideal world I would situate myself in the best physical location and have every friendly face from anywhere I could desire forever within my reach—but such is not even remotely likely going to be the case, and this is the primary reason for my wandering mind to create and hold onto this idea which shines so brightly in its potential glory for how I could possibly have the best of all possible worlds right here in the palms of my hands, at least in my idealized daydreams.

So I always find myself torn so cleanly down the center when I consider all of the possibilities that I might have any control over establishing for myself. Kansas City has its obvious physical advantages, and of course a good many deep friendships, while Cheyenne has its unmistakable nostalgia and harbors some of the most deeply-rooted friendships of all. This is the nature of my longing to merge the two worlds, because if I could remain here in this better-situated location on the planet’s surface while still having these friends (combined with my many friends I already have over here) then I would be hard-pressed to imagine a way to be any happier with the Universe.

To anyone who knows me particularly well, or even not, it must go without saying that the primary key to the happiness found in Cheyenne is one Dave Ewaliko, with whom I’ve shared most of every single one of my most cherished memories and most deeply held thoughts. And this isn’t to discount any of the almost countless other intensely-cherished friendships I have rooted in the city (both cities). These people should know who they are. I adore every single one to the utmost of my overflowing heart.

I find it absolutely incredible how intertwined my thoughts are with a place full of people that I’ve only fleetingly kept in physical contact with over so many long years. Early on, after the intense move well over eight years ago (2004), I always comforted myself with the thoughts that the “loss” of Cheyenne, or rather, "The Motherland," as Dave and I came to refer to it, would fade away in time. And of course I was right, to a degree. But there is still somewhat more longing than I had anticipated, or at least had hoped for. I guess I always knew deep down that it was going to be a “scar” for life. It’s interesting how emotional damages can be so much more excruciating than even the most severe physical ones. In the summer of 2007 I fell off a house while working construction and broke my back... fractured my 12th lumbar vertebrate. But miraculously, I feel little pain or even anything more than occasional discomfort at this stage afterwards. The only reminder I ever have is some discomfort if I stand in one place too long, and this doesn’t happen often. It makes things like washing dishes frustrating. On the other hand, I am haunted regularly by the memories of past fortunes that were left behind once my family moved away in June 2004 and the imaginings of things that might have gone so differently had this not been the case. I do see them as wonderful memories, but even the most incredible of feelings can simultaneously bring the most intense longings. And these memories, for all the times that they bring unrivaled happiness and comfort, can sometimes revive the most tragic despair for such good times which are so long gone. Such is the double-edged blade of nostalgia.

I can say in complete honesty that the absolute best days of my mid-adolescent teenage years were spent in a two-and-a-half-year period of unrivaled bliss over in Cheyenne, namely with two incredible friends, none other than Dave Ewaliko and Cliff Cox. In those years we had conquered the world, as it had mattered to us at the time. Yet I can also say in complete honesty that the absolute best days of my elder teenage years were those I spent with my best friends I had here in KC, with Sean Lusher and Jacob Knepper and, similarly, it feels like I had conquered the world all over again with them. The value I hold to each time period is so similar in its worth that I cannot pin down a specific route that would have played out for the better if it could have been more long-lasting—if I had stayed in Cheyenne, then those mid-teenage years definitely would have culminated in ever-increasing intensity as we aged into adults, and yet those late-teenage years I spent here in KC would have had a more powerful foundation, and in turn a much more powerful transition into adulthood, if I had arrived here sooner. The dividing line is, in all practicality, because of all of the intricacies involved in each particular case, impossible to gauge effectively. The thoughtful devotion may be an obsession, but it is an obsession I passionately indulge.

Because even still every time I hear or read about issues Dave is having over there in The Motherland, I want nothing more than to just leap head-first into my car and drive nonstop all the way there, pull into his driveway, throw him into the passenger seat, and drive to Anthony's Pizza (even though it doesn't exist anymore... but any place would do). Then we could go back to his house, stopping at the Mini-Mart for 64 oz. sodas on the way, to laugh our vocal cords sore playing Fifa Soccer or Monkey Ball or watching MXC... and I know in my heart that, at least for the duration of our game-playing or TV-watching, any troubling issues would be in the back of our minds (if anywhere at all). His dad would say hi to me in his ever-soft voice as he rushes to the kitchen to cook sausages for us, his siblings Cece and Jonah would be playfully screaming and throwing each other around the house, Autumn would be laughing at it all or telling them that they're stupid, and his mom (though she has sadly passed on since such memories were so deeply rooted) would be sitting on the couch, telling me about how “special” I am. How special is it when a few experiences easily recalled into memory can rival, or even surpass, the most impressive dream?

They say that home is where the heart is, and I say that if home is where the heart is then there is not a single homeless person in the world. But some people might be unfortunately misplaced.

Long ago, Dave and I came up with a semi-serious pact that when we're wrinkly old geezers assigned to wheelchairs we'll still be sitting out on our neighboring porches (because we will be next-door neighbors), chatting about all the insanity we lived through and all the girls we chased, cherish and loved. It sticks with me, in part because I truly want this to happen. In a way I can precisely imagine the two of us, sitting side-by-side in our rickety old rocking chairs, cracking jokes and reminiscing about all the good times (most of which are yet to come), cracking the same old jokes, Dave bursting out in his oh-so-characteristic hearty laugh (although the years will have taken their toll on it), and just simply enjoying truly cooperative company with each other as a gorgeous Vanilla Sky makes its complex interactions over the horizon.

Everybody has forever to look forward to. Life is absolutely not short, it is the longest thing possible to experience and because we have absolute control over our investments within it I feel it is of the most profound importance that we pursue those things most cherished to us. Because forever is so much more than just a word… forever is the amount of your life that you'll always know you have all such people in your life. And even when they're not around you anymore, or very fleetingly so, as unfortunate as that is, there are still so many ways to talk with them, and even visit whenever possible. Distance plays its unfortunate role in so many cases between people who would otherwise enjoy nothing more than being in each other’s company, but at the same time this same distance can help to strengthen and filter out everything but the most cherished connections of all. And you will know you have one of those true and long-lasting friendships when you can show up on their doorstep after absolutely any amount of time and distance and within mere moments all of the most deep and cherished feelings of all come flooding back as if a tidal wave was unleashed from the deepest depths of the ocean. And you'll know when that term "forever" is to the fullest extent when you see such a person after so much time has passed, and you’ve each pursued such separate paths, and yet each time your paths cross once again it seems exactly like there was no time passed at all.

It may be a fanciful daydream to imagine myself having the best of both of these worlds combined, but if nothing else at least I can collide and merge them within in my own mind, and imagine how wonderful things would be if I had all variables in my grasp at all times. But of course I cannot physically have this fortune. I can, however, relish in all the bountiful memories each holds, and pursue with the best of my abilities all of the time that I can spare to continue to make the best of each, as separately as they must be, and as intertwined as they can be, because I have the power to make it so as often as I can manage.

And so I am somewhat distanced from my current home, here in Kansas City, emotionally, and from my long-lost home, there in Cheyenne, physically. But life is complicated, circumstances are complicated, cooperation is complicated, and my deepest desires are perhaps most complicated of all. So if I seem a little bit distant at any point in time, to anyone from either location, please understand that as much as I’d love more than anything to be there sharing time and memories, old and new, with you, I might seem a bit distant only because I am.

Posted by Unknown | at 7:06 PM | 1 comments

Everybody Lives Alone

(March 28th, 2012)


A wise friend of mine once shared this quote by Hunter S. Thompson online, and I have spent a lot of time puzzling over it, off and on, over the years, and it ultimately ended up reinforcing and further shaping many of the thoughts that I’d been developing for a long time already:

“We are all alone, born alone, die alone, and—in spite of True Romance magazines—we shall all someday look back on our lives and see that, in spite of our company, we were alone the whole way. I do not say lonely—at least, not all the time—but essentially, and finally, alone. This is what makes your self-respect so important, and I don’t see how you can respect yourself if you must look in the hearts and minds of others for your happiness.”

And it also stirred up some new thoughts. Because what is anything worth, no matter how well you know yourself, if nobody else can truly understand the depths of your own mind? This troubles me, to some degree, but it also gives me hope, because I think that this idea is such a profound realization. You can never, ever truly know another person’s deepest mindset, but the most genuine among your acquaintances should have a character powerful enough so that their truest thoughts and feelings manifest themselves somehow into your relationship with them. Even if you can’t truly know, you can get a very powerful understanding, to the point where you can often accurately predict something they’ll say or do, and connect with them at a profound level. You’ll get something of a sense of how this person really thinks and feels, and you will feel that much closer to them for this, even if you cannot ever fully understand the depths.

Surely you’ve noticed this, that you can sometimes predict (with striking accuracy, even) how a friend or loved one will react to some bit of news, or a shared thought of your own, or even just a joke? It could be coincidence, of course, some of the times. Many people may react in very similar ways to the same stimulus. But if it happens often, especially to a wide assortment of stimuli, then you are probably on to something. You have probably come to understand this person to a level deep enough to be considered a more powerful relationship among relationships. And this connection should be realized, and treasured, because it is a rarity worth every bit of consideration. Any person that you can relate to on a deep enough level to not only get along with (vastly important on its own) but predict their reactions to events is a beautiful thing among beautiful things.

People are so complex! Even the seemingly simplest person must possess a mind and character complicated enough to stump even the most analytical person. It’s not easy to connect so deeply with a person, but the resulting treasures are absolutely invaluable. And yet even among the most familiar of friends, two people who have shared themselves with one another to the deepest of their abilities, there must be an unimaginable amount of inner thoughts and feelings that can never be truly expressed, and even more so that can never be truly understood. Imagine your own mind—how many thoughts are constantly stirring, how many feelings are welling up inside you at any moment of any day, and consider how few of those thoughts and feelings you have actually shared in their rawest, deepest form with another person. When you assume that any other person your gaze falls upon has just as many thoughts yet to be shared, then surely you will be awed by the enormity of even a single other mind and the bountiful treasures there to be known and shared. And what better measure is there of a life’s fullness than how many people really connect with it, and to what depths they truly understand it? Of how many lives are touched positively by the influence of another? Of how many hopes and dreams are reinforced by the connections with similar peoples’ pursuits and the sharing of mindsets that can mutually assist each other?

But in the end, as much of a difference as it may make upon the cherished people in your life, no amount of understanding and familiarity can truly bring them into your head, into the deepest depths of your mind’s wanderings. They will never know how you truly feel about any single thought you’ve ever shared with them, despite any number of years of faithful friendship, kinship and/or love. They simply can’t, as you simply can’t truly experience theirs. Just as every person lives their life alone, utterly and completely, locked within their own mind’s interpretations of the perpetually unfolding events that made up their existence, at the bitter end of it all every person will die alone with the sum of their experiences. But this is where the beauty lies… it lies in the trust and comfort of your friends and loved ones, because even though you will never experience even a split second of their true mind, you can feel as though you’ve shared many years’ worth of experiences with its unfiltered acceptance. And the difference between the actual mindset and the feeling of having shared the mindset is, although impossible to gauge, all but invisible when you truly love and trust a person. The trust is of utmost importance here, of course, because your trust is what separates the doubts of whether or not you truly know this person as well as can be known about another separate human being and the euphoric feeling of believing that you actually do. And the demonstrable evidence, such as sharing many interests and beliefs, witnessing their reactions to events which support your understanding of them, enjoying similar jokes and stories, connecting with each other’s thoughts, and even just simply enjoying the comfort of each other’s company and lifestyle, go such a long way in developing such a relationship. You can get as close as is reasonably possible.

You are still living your life utterly alone, however, despite any number of the grandest relationships with your fellow humans as can be imagined. Even if every single one of the dozens of close friends you may have knows you so well that they can give you the most perfect gifts, suggest the best movies and music and books, share with you the most enjoyable memories, and finish your sentences for you, they still don’t know your true mind; they will never know the true thoughts in your head. They will never know the true pain you are feeling at any moment, or the true depths of any joy. Nobody will ever know your true feelings about something, whether it’s a restaurant or a song or a movie or another person or even them. It could be that you have actually shared your thoughts as they truly are, but a person just cannot know this to be true, to no fault of theirs. They have to believe that what you have expressed toward them is the accurate portrayal of the true feelings. Right or not, at its core, this is the foundation for all relationships, and rawer sharing brings more opportunities for this connection to achieve the highest possible connection.

It comes down to so much trust, in the end, and so this trust is, of course, pretty much the single most valuable aspect of any sort of relationship. Because it is an unavoidable fact that one will never know for sure, the next best thing is to feel as if it is for sure, and this can only be achieved if one trusts that you really are sharing with them the closest thing to the actual reality of the situation as possible. Have you ever shared an inner thought with someone who refused to believe that it was real? Or maybe you have shared a false thought with someone who did not even hesitate to take it as truth? The more clever and devious people can make quite a living from this extreme of trust and many, if not all, of the people might not ever even suspect any sort of dishonesty. And on the other hand a person might be unfailingly honest in all of their sharing and yet face the constant skepticism of their closest friends. No matter how trustworthy you are, a person has no inherent obligation to trust you and it must come from the complex workings of your relationship with them. This trust should work itself out, given enough time and enough honesty and enough demonstrable experience.

But trust is a wildly complicated thing. In the end, the best that you can really do is be as honest and trustworthy as possible while reaching out to find those people who you’ve realized, to the best of your abilities, are trustworthy themselves, and have the capacity to trust in return. You’ll never know for sure, but you will get an ever-deeper and more intricate understanding of them as a friendship grows, and an effective grasp of the depth of this relationship will hopefully only ever increase. The people in your life whom you hold most dear will understand you, down to your core, ever more accurately and deeply as this trust builds. And the same should be reciprocated. As your lives carry on and your shared experiences grow, so should your relationships and the resulting connections that bind them.

And yet you will still be living utterly alone despite any number of the most perfectly formed relationships. They will help immensely, for sure, but they can never truly fill that void that perpetually separates the depths of your mind with the rest of the world around you. Nothing can bridge that gap that divides the entirety of the physical world, including the trees and the chairs and the streets and the computers and all of the other people within it and all of the other thoughts and feelings and hopes and dreams that they hold dear, from the abstract interpretations that your mind utilizes to make sense of it all.

And so you need to be comfortable on your own terms. You need to be able to occupy yourself, and enjoy your own company when you find yourself alone for any length of time. You need to understand yourself. Not in the “normal” sense—because of course you’re you, and of course you spend every single moment of your life within… well, you. And that’s exactly the point, really. You need to understand yourself so fully, so completely and fundamentally that you are entirely familiar with your deepest thought processes, your most intricate decision-making. You should have access to all of the activities which will fulfill your personal desires in all of the times when you are alone with your own self. Whether this constitutes reading books, or playing video games, or listening to music, or taking walks, or surfing the internet, or watching a movie, or writing, or calling/texting friends, or housework, or simply exploring the wanderings of your own mind, or whatever else might the case, it is so fundamentally important to be able to live your life, in the random periods where you, yourself, are your only company, just as fully as if it were being spent with a crowd of fun-loving friends. The specific experiences will differ, of course, because you can’t really enjoy the festivities of a burgeoning social gathering when only you are around, but at the same time, you can’t really enjoy the comfort and satisfaction of a good read while dozens of drunken friends are stumbling around and over you. Knowing and understanding yourself, in all foreseeable (and ideally even the unforeseeable) circumstances, is crucial to always holding within your own grasp the ability to satisfy the demands of your ever-hungry desires.

The same friend who shared the opening quote once told me that confidence is “realizing yourself.” And I’ve also puzzled over this throughout the couple years since it was shared my way. In the end, I don’t think I (or perhaps anyone) could have said it better, or more simply. And how beautiful that is, that such a simple explanation turns out to be the truest and most meaningful of all. To realize yourself, I believe, is to be so utterly comfortable with who you are, with what and whom you enjoy and appreciate in this world, and with what you enjoy thinking about, and with what you enjoy sharing with other people, every one of whom is in the exact same boat as you—cruising along, trying to grasp the meaning to it all while of course experiencing as many shared joys as possible.

The inner workings of life and relationships are so complex because the interests and expectations of people can vary by such a wildly vast degree. This makes truer connections that much more difficult, but that much more rewarding. Because despite all of the possible combinations of beliefs and interests a person can have, to connect with another and intertwine these ideas so finely is perhaps one of the most rewarding endeavors that can possibly be achieved. But a line should be drawn between sharing and conforming—nobody should ever have substantial control over your personal actions. You should do what you want, pursue what you want, see who you want, talk to who you want, hang out with who you want, think what you want, believe what you want, drink what you want, say what you want, play what you want, read what you want, travel where you want, buy what you want, stay up when you want, wake up when you want, watch what you want, dream what you want, and so on (all within reason of course), and any person who has any say in any of these matters should work with you for a respectful, cooperative understanding (because they should respect your history and your fundamental traits!). Anything less screams of mistrust, and therefore eternal conflict, and what else, if not trust, is the general idea in the first place? You can spread your wings together and fly off to whatever heights your mutual efforts can bring.

People tend to reflect on past decisions and say “I don’t know why I did that.” And this suggests a deep problem, because that is precisely the sort of thing that you should want to avoid. You should understand situations, and your own internal struggles, more than well enough to make the properly thought-out decision right then and there, without having to back-track in a confused daze at some point in the future once you realize some overlooked implication. And in those (hopefully) rare occasions when you genuinely didn’t have the resources (time, for example) to really properly analyze, then you should have next to no trouble in realizing, once you DO have the proper time to consider, precisely why you acted in some way. You should be able to reflect on some unfortunate outcome, and on its causes, and think to yourself, well I did that because (insert informed realization here). You should never ultimately not know why, if you truly understand yourself. And if you find that you really don’t, then you have a fresh goal to improve upon. Reflect on what this insight can do to assist your well-being in the future so that you can make the right decisions at the time of reckoning.

I’ve always been intrigued by that oft-repeated phrase, “everybody dies alone.” Many curious thoughts have been exercised in wondering about this, about the many various contexts in which it is used, and what it really means for us. Other peoples’ mindsets will always remain second-hand knowledge to you, at best, and yet at absolutely every last single moment you WILL know what you yourself is thinking and feeling. And that makes the concepts of deep friendships and true loves so overwhelmingly incredible, that you might understand another human being so well as to connect with them at a level deep enough to get along and understand each other beyond the interactions of the vast majority of the people you will ever meet in this world.

And yet every single last one of us, despite any number of everlasting friendships and true loves we’ve made along the way, will die utterly alone. Completely, entirely within our own consciousness, alone with the sum of our vast collections of experiences and thoughts and beliefs and feelings, joys and sorrows, successes and failures—every single last bit. And yet there will probably be many people at your bedside in the final days, at the bitter end of a life long lived, trying their best to enjoy their final moments with you, trying to provide comfort to you, and to themselves, trying to glean the best of the final moments that your physical existence has left in this world.

And still you will die alone.

But not necessarily lonely, which is the essential key. You could have spent the most fantastic, fairy-tale-incarnate life imaginable with a significant other, and raised a houseful of healthy, successful children now living at least as much of a wonderful life, and have a host of diehard friends there to be with you for every last breath that they have the opportunity to witness, and all of them may hold you in the highest possible regard right up to those final moments, and still you will die alone. Alone, but yet in the most wonderful company a person could reasonably hope for. And the incredible thing here, what makes this entire idea so resonant in its beauty, is that you can live an entire life locked within the confines of your own head, forever aware only of what your own senses convey to your mind, understanding only of what your own mind is able to puzzle out of experience, appreciative only of what in your own experience is able to be understood. And yet all of these people want to be by your side, in the end. They will want nothing more than to show you, at the very end of it all, that they truly cared in some way. That they appreciate the life you have shared with them, even if the closest thing they ever experienced to your truest self was the briefest occasional glimpse into the true heart of your consciousness through a deep, honest, compatible relationship over the span of years that you were entitled to enjoy together.

And so, even if you really are entirely alone inside your own mind as the very last vestiges of your life flicker away, you will be able to relish in the joy that you shared such a full, joyous life with so many people who are there with you in the end to provide care, and love and comfort, and to let you know that you are not alone in the physical sense; you have made impacts, you have shared memories, you have divulged thoughts and feelings from deep within yourself and have been the recipient of so many similar thoughts and feelings that others have been more than happy to share with you in return. And I can only imagine that these precious connections, as intangible as they are, are perhaps the most valuable things that can be achieved in this life. As utterly alone as any of us are as we experience this miracle of life, the only real thing that we can ever be sure that we have truly experienced to its fullest, we will bask in the warming light of companionship at the end of it all, and know that we had been basking in its light the whole way all along even if it felt at so many points as if nobody in the world really cared or understood what we were going through at any moment

We are all alone, alone on this perpetual current of life on our individual little rafts, tossed and turned over so many waves and random turbulences, but we have the capacity and the will to meet up with as many other rafts as we can make time and effort for, and share in the incredible experiences that it will never stop sending past us. Being alone does not have to be so lonely if you are willing to cast out your rope and link up with as many other similarly lonely people as you can stand, and enjoy your loneliness together.

Posted by Unknown | at 10:15 PM | 0 comments

Two Steps From Salvation




There are so many trials a person might find themselves struggling through at any point in time. Many trials are within one’s own mindset, internal struggles such as an addiction to overcome, or some other habit to break, or a behavioral trait to change, or an outlook to improve upon, or all kinds of other examples. These trials involve, almost exclusively, your own willpower and (to say nothing less of their values and impacts) have at least that advantage going for them, because you have ultimate control over your own mind. The sheer force of your own will actually holds significant weight when the object of its application is within your own mind and being. Still others, many, many others, inherently the most frustrating of all, are those which require the cooperation of other people to overcome. Such trials are the most frustrating of all simply because of this fact—because no amount of sheer willpower can influence another person to act accordingly with your goals if they are not themselves pursuing a similar one of their own (or at least willing to indulge you). But for this added complication there is so much more appreciation to be had when success is finally achieved and salvation is at long last glorifying your soul.

Salvation can come in so many forms, among which I believe one of (if not the) most important and fullest of all is the mutual appreciation of one’s thoughts, feelings, and desires they wish to pursue with the full cooperation of another human being. But when you’ve been struggling to achieve some passionate goal for so long, fighting off wave after wave of intense opposition, battling the judgments and the disagreements and the miscommunications and the unwillingness of others to assist you, enduring countless disappointments and let-downs while all along being so ready and willing in your own mind but endlessly frustrated at the apparent refusal of cooperation of everyone else whom your success depends upon to reciprocate your efforts, it can become so easy to just let it all go. Sometimes it becomes so easy to lump such a massive accumulation of frustration and resentment into one last-ditch effort of abandonment, pack it all up in a tightly closed suitcase of hopes and dreams you were once so intent to give chase to, toss it over the edge of the unfinished bridge before you set fire to it and just forget the whole thing altogether.

But one should think long and deeply about such a decision, because you have undoubtedly made some sort of progress toward such a goal even if it seems like every single individual effort on your own part has been shot down and crushed under the feet of the very people you have so intensely tried to connect with. If nothing else, nothing at all else, you’ve gained invaluable insight for the future into the sorts of people who are likely going to respond in such an undesirable way, and this should assist you in your renewed search for more meaningful, more attainable endeavors—because your search should never end. There is always knowledge and experience to gain without necessarily giving up entirely on any original goal, even if you realize you have to give up entirely on certain people who were once a part of your goal. Even when you’ve come so far as to stand within two measly steps of the glorious salvation you so valiantly wish to achieve, shining so brightly right there in front of you but just slightly out of your own reach, the people in your life very likely hold the keys to unlock the final advancements—those final two steps—but, as they hold the keys, they have the advantage of being in control of their own desires and these unfortunately might not coincide with your own. You can spend vast amounts of time in constant frustration over being so close to the end but with no power to bridge that tiny remaining space by yourself.

Some goals simply require the cooperation of just one other person in order to achieve their fullest potentials. This factor makes such goals the most difficult of all because, again, the sheer force of your own will cannot impose the genuine, heartfelt cooperation of another person’s. This cooperation must come from their own desires. The only thing you truly have control over, in this case, is how you go about making your own precious intentions known, and how effectively you portray this for others to respond to. Some people seem to have a natural gift with this skill, and can seemingly influence just about anybody to cooperate with them. Unfortunately, many of these people who have such a natural “talent” seem to take a liking to taking advantage of and manipulating the people they somehow so easily gain the trust and favor of. And so the variables are further complicated by this fact, and in turn so many people seem to have become irrationally hesitant to divulge anything more than the bare essentials of a friendly relationship, and especially reluctant to invest the efforts necessary to develop something so much more deep and meaningful, such as romance, or just a closer friendship, with a fellow human being. And so because of this tendency countless people are experiencing heartbreak in every waking moment because of this clash of ideals and the separation from goals and desires which have every reason to be achieved with proper cooperation. Of course I’m not suggesting that all pursuits must be matched by the objects of their desires, but that more communication and efforts would do wonders to promote effective progress, even “negative” progress. If nothing else, at least some closure on the idea. Some heartbreaks are inevitable, in many cases because the initial premise of the pursuit was not genuine. Rationale and communication and understanding true feelings are always crucial, and even when the necessary outcome is a tragedy to one side, tragedies have a tendency to sort themselves out and bring an epiphany of sorts, as a person finally grasps the true sense of the ideal they had poured so much effort into. Nothing is truly as “good” or as “bad” as it feels at the time, but can be understood to the closest possible truth in proper time and consideration. Sometimes you might believe you are standing but two steps from salvation of your troublesome efforts and yet the only positive recourse is to turn and find a new path. Sometimes what once seemed like your glorious salvation was in reality nothing but a hopeful illusion, and your path needs to start fresh on a new course. Sometimes defeat is the necessary epiphany you need. You should never burn down the bridge, however. At least let them stand as reminders of how close you had come in each attempt, perhaps even where they had gone wrong.

But if you are genuine in your intentions, and are pursuing another person who is genuine in their own intentions, then this daunting, almost-un-scalable wall can actually be overcome to its fullest potential. And I believe that this achievement really is one of the highest beauties of this world, in large part because of the tremendous difficulty and complexity in its achievement, and also in the immense, priceless rewards that it showers its recipients with. Nothing else in this world can provide you with what a true, deep, genuine companionship with another person can. This applies to true, boundless love just as much as it applies to true, deep undying friendship. There is beauty to be had in these relations like absolutely nothing else can compare to, because the pleasures of the mind simply have no comparison in the purely physical realm. What’s most amazing to me is that this physical and mental connection with another human being can bring so much hope and joy and appreciation, and this beauty knows no rival, but it can be either provided or withheld at the tiniest possible whim if just one person involved is so reluctant to reciprocate. You can wreak some wild havoc on a person if you know how to mess with their head. Words could never do justice to the urgency with which everybody should realize how impactful this realization is. Do not play mind games with a person so devoted to their passions; let them down honestly and with care if this needs to be the case.

The truest among such successful connections are likely to be very hard-won, although there are of course many cases that just seem to click almost effortlessly. Such cases, I believe, are as close to the idea of “love at first sight” as are possible to achieve. I do not draw a distinction at this point between the love of a romantic partner and the love of a truly deep friendly one, or even a genetic one. All are incomparable in their fundamental benefits to and among each and every single last one of us. The differences are only in context and in expression. I think we all need such connections, as many as we can get our hands on, and the heavily-guarded keys that we tend to keep tucked away inside our minds might perhaps benefit from a little (or a lot) more careful efforts put toward sharing them with others who are passionately and genuinely seeking them out.

We all desire those deepest of connections. We all envision those everlasting friendships, those uncompromising family relations, those fairy-tale romances. Assuming an effectively rigorous system of filtering through to those people who really are legitimately reaching out to you for genuine friendly or romantic companionship, then those who slip through the barriers and traps and land mines and pitfalls and armed defense systems are worth your efforts to cooperate with—as you are worth theirs. Once they’ve proven themselves mighty in the face of your own personal defenses, then you should devote some careful consideration into how much of a future relationship (friendly/romantic) is likely to be successful. At this point the odds are heavily in positive favor, as they’ve already overcome whatever number of hurdles you’ve set up to keep the reckless fools at bay… assuming your traps are effective. So now give them the time of day they deserve. They’ve come this far for good reason.

In my case it has been both the genuine, deep friendships and true romantic companionship that I have been fighting for so long to establish further—although the latter of which has been, by far, the more intense struggle over a recent two and a half years and is the primary inspiration in this. There have been moments in which I felt like everything was at last falling into place, only to have the rug pulled so violently from underneath me that I didn’t even realize I was crashing to the ground until the sudden onset of pain forced the realization. For so long I was given only vague, all-but-concealed tastes of a connection which was never actually placed within my own reach. It was always kept dangling just beyond the ability of my own efforts to grasp, and yanked away every time I finally felt that I had figured it all out. Efforts were not genuinely reciprocated, and it took me far too long to realize this had been the case all along. This sort of thing can be avoided, for all people, male and female, friends and lovers, long-held relations and brand new ones. Nobody needs to go through so much just to finally have the truth laid bare in front of them whether or not there actually is anything genuine and worthwhile for them to gain and offer in return.

For so long I have been a mere two steps from this salvation from my own worries—two steps from achieving the goal that I have been so vigorously desiring and pursuing, the goal that has been so vividly, brightly shining in my own mind, so beautifully portrayed in my dreams manifesting in the depths of the night, but all the while so helplessly dependent on the cooperation of just one single other person that no amount of sheer willpower alone could bring within my grasp. At times it felt like success was so close, so near to me that I could almost get a grip on it, but it had always ended up slipping through my fingers right at the moment I made the lunge. I am not proud to say that I persisted for far too long in what was so often made painstakingly clear to me was a fruitless endeavor—I was blinded by too much optimism and too much desire to see it through to an end that was never actually achievable, for achievement requires mutual interests and in these cases I was indulging far more efforts than were worth the returns on my investments. Any situation which isn’t demonstrably mutual is in all likelihood a dead end, and the sooner you can realize this fact the sooner you can reassess your efforts and pursue something which actually holds the promise of cooperation. I believe this is, by far, the most important consideration of all, but also the most difficult to accurately judge, because everybody is ridiculously complex, which is the single factor which makes this whole concept so frustratingly laborious to accomplish.

I eventually let go of the pursuit I had spent so much time and effort chasing, after finally realizing that my efforts were fruitless in the face of so much confusion and unwillingness. The weight of all that I finally released from my grip severely blistered my fingers, which is funny because even an illusion can wreak such unimaginable havoc on your mind and body, but of course they would heal in time—although I had no idea how long this would take.

But then, not so long after, almost as if as a reward a newer, much more brightly-shining potential revealed itself to me as I realized that a dear friend of mine was returning home after a very, very long trip overseas was coming to an end. And I realized, not only during all of this struggling for so long but again when pondering the possibilities of what could be once again pursued and reflecting on the long, memory-filled history that I share with this person, that there is an extremely deep and valuable lesson that I have learned during the two and a half years that have separated our story, which is that the willing cooperation of another human being to share with you your own thoughts and feelings and passions and lifestyles, while sharing their own lives with your own thoughts and feelings and passions and lifestyles, is meaningful beyond the scope of any possible combination of words. This cooperation is the key to everything that a genuine companionship must build its foundation upon. This wild epiphany suddenly rushed into my head, and it was almost as if I fell to my knees under the weight of its realization. The people you should be sharing your life with, and your deepest thoughts and feelings, should be returning the favor. And this will be obvious. You should not be perpetually shrouded in confusion. The genuine people will want to spend at least close to as much time with you as you want to spend with them. They will let you know their own feelings about you just as you so desire to let them know how you feel about them. They will set aside time, that wondrously wild commodity we so often take for granted, for you, because they want nothing less. You will suddenly be contacted by those who care just as often as you have been trying to contact them, and they will ask you for your time just as often as you have been trying to ask for theirs. The precious people who genuinely appreciate and desire your company will make themselves known to you. They will cooperate with you.

And so she returned, and we reconnected, and as the storm clouds retreated from my muddled mindset I realized that we both have similar goals and passions and hopes for the future and, most striking of all, we both want to share our most deepest-held thoughts and feelings with each other. And so I have at long last found that which I’ve been struggling to find in another human being for so long, in the person that I never even knew whether I’d ever see again. It’s absolutely incredible how quickly two and a half years can melt away into the newfound mesh of old-and-new interests and experiences, and blossom into not just what it always was, but everything that it had ever hoped to be.

There is an incredibly beautiful phrase, made even more beautiful by its incredible simplicity: "The hardest part is over." It is a simple line, being only five words, but I think it has enormous meaning behind it when you truly realize such a reality. To me it basically represents an acknowledgment that the toughest times of some pursuit are over, however hard they may have been. The point is that you recognize them, and look ahead to the future that awaits the aftermath—the future that will be better. Because what good are the memories we hold so dear if we don’t use them as guidelines, always striving to do better? I believe that optimism is one of the ultimate virtues we can have, and what better way to put it to use? We need to believe that the future will be better. Even if things are going great right now, that’s all the more hope to hold for tomorrow. Our memories are the basis for this optimism, so that we have something to reflect on and set our standards by. The deepest pits of sorrow you've ever hauled yourself out of hold that much more relevance and insight into how to better shape your future. It's such a beautiful thing to be able to look back on a period of intense struggling and realize that it's over.

In the movie Office Space, the main character reveals that every single day of his life is the worst day he’s ever had. Despite the funny nature of the poor guy’s situation, I think what everyone is meant to do is strive for the exact opposite. In an ideal world every day would be greater than the previous. What if you could wake up each and every morning and truly believe that this day was better than the last? And if you could expand this realization, each new day's progressive happiness compounded upon the previous, so much potential could be realized. And we do have at least some control over that, if we act accordingly. A determined mindset will work wonders. Tomorrow will be better, and the next day even more so. It's a wonderful ideal, at least, and a few setbacks here and there don't need to wreck the overall trend.

Being two steps from salvation had always seemed like such a simple obstacle to overcome, long ago. But I was foolish and naïve and I find it incredible how clear this is to me now. Sometimes a new chapter in life makes you realize that the previous chapter actually had ended long ago. And sometimes you realize that you never actually had something you believed you did until you finally truly do. I just never imagined how difficult this salvation would be to re-achieve, but now that I am staring it in the face it seems like such a fitting irony for it to be with the very person with whom I walked away from it in the first place. But she came back around, and I made my hopeful desires clear, and she so beautifully reciprocated, and so now, at long last, I have the cooperation I’ve been seeking for so long. I have the cooperation of the single other mindset that has been necessary to bridge this particular gap all along. And so these two seemingly trivial steps, this separation from the glory of salvation which has been so emotionally fearful and daunting for so long despite being so physically near to me in the people around me, so seemingly simple in mind but so incredibly difficult in reality, are finally laid bare and ready to be taken.

And so when at long last this endeavor is achieved, and you are finally basking in all of the glory that this success is shining down upon you, you will finally understand that it no longer matters how long you had to suffer, because the two of you hold everything that now matters together in your hands. The world is now yours to conquer—to shape from your collective experiences, joys and mutual interests to your will. Anything that you want to experience together, go and make it so! Make the memories that you want to cherish. Create the situations that you want to enjoy. Share the thoughts that you want to appreciate. Seize the moments that you want to last. The opportunity does not even exist but there in your minds. This is not something that directly results from the physical world around us, but something that we create through abstract connections of the mind, and join together, and nourish through the years with the heartfelt efforts that feed it through eternity until the very last breaths our physical forms are capable of producing are spent at long last. And even then it won’t be enough, it can never be enough, but it will be all that we could have ever reasonably hoped for, and I don’t think there is any deeper beauty in the end than knowing that you crossed over that boundary and achieved the salvations of your once-troubled souls with the same person who is sharing the pain of old age with you still. The best is yet to come.

And so I am, at this moment, as I have been for so long, two measly steps from blissful salvation… but now that I am hand-in-hand with the single other person I want to take these steps with, the single other person I long to appreciate life’s complexities and mysteries and joys and sorrows with, to forever further our understanding and enjoyment of this crazy world with, I am not simply going to take these two steps…

I am going to take three.



Posted by Unknown | at 12:06 AM | 0 comments

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