Showing posts with label true love. Show all posts
Showing posts with label true love. Show all posts

Persisting In The Depths

As a warning of sorts I just want to say that I am about to be openly, brutally honest. And it pains me to feel like such a disclaimer is necessary, because I feel like this should not be the case if people were less judgmental and more welcoming and accepting of the thoughts and feelings of others of especially their very own generation, whom they should relate to more than ever.

 Yet I see all the time people openly criticizing others for “being vague” on social media or for “confusing (social media outlet) with your diary.” This strikes me as odd because here are two extremes both seemingly frowned upon by the more general public. But this should not be the case. There should be no imposed limit to the amount of “acceptable” sharing. It troubles me deeply to see this in my own generation, because we in particular should be pioneering this treasure of a communicative outlet and appreciating all that it allows us to share with each other. This is amazing, what we can do on here, how many connections we can maintain and interact and identify with. Absolutely amazing, and I for one cherish every single last glimpse into the minds, into the feelings and emotions of any person I’ve ever met (or haven’t) and have connected with, here on the internet where input ones and zeros amount to so much societal potential. It should not be a stirring pot of judgment and resentment. But if you think I’m mistakenly writing in my diary? Excuse me; I am only trying to share my inner thoughts and feelings with you.

Sometimes people just need an outlet, and an outlet can take so many forms, be it a diary entry, a face-to-face conversation, a blog, a punching bag, a book, a long drive, a phone call, a jog, some painting, some music to make or listen to, a dance floor, a chat room, a puzzle; it could literally be anything. Something makes somebody feel like they have dealt with something, made some progress, and this should not be seized and stomped on and pulled apart because others felt annoyed at having witnessed it. Projecting it outward is an act, deliberately executed, and whether or not you agree with whatever it is, or think it “whiny”, you should respect that brave lunge and feel privileged to have been a recipient of an outward expression.

So I write this, because I feel like I am close to achieving some measure of peace with my particular circumstance at long last, and this outpouring I have been putting such careful thought and consideration and feeling into is, I feel, an important step in the final stages of this progress. So I’m just going to leave this right here, after it’s completed. It will already have served its ultimate purpose whether or not it’s brutally ripped apart or appreciated, the underlying objective being to express oneself, and share a passion… and passion has no bounds.

 And there is a passionate pull, an intense burden so heavy inside me that it’s all I can do to not outwardly portray it. As I’m sure many know, I’ve found quite a lot of success lately: I’ve graduated, I’ve moved, I’ve gotten a good job, I’ve met so many new people, I’ve more deeply connected with so many existing acquaintances, I’ve had so many good times and I have so many places I can call home and so many friends with connections so deep I can’t ever imagine losing touch. I used to endure an entire year before I got the chance to visit friends in Cheyenne for a woefully brief two weeks for vacation. And now that I’ve brought myself into the region, and have spent so much time up there, I begin to feel deprived if I spend those same two weeks without being in town, I’ve re-adapted so fast. The acclimation was startlingly swift, even though I anticipated swiftness.

 But I left behind an unimaginable fortune when I got here; she did not follow me. I did not know if she would, that was the mighty risk I took. But I felt like I needed to be here. It was so deep inside me I couldn’t just brush it off. It tugged at my heartstrings, persistently escalating over eight long years to the point where I had never felt so sure, not about anything. And so went for it, and so I am here. And I am happy; geographically, I feel like I am where I belong. I look around and I just appreciate being here. I swear there is a greater beauty in the skies, in the colors sometimes shining at particular angles of retreating sunlight… perhaps this is due to the altitude difference. I enjoy being physically nearer to the cloud cover overhead, and even the landscape has a certain appreciable quality to it. It’s somehow in the shapes and the colors of the rolling countryside and the mountains so nearby in such contrast to the stretches of plains seem to cast a majestic quality upon everything around; I just adore it all.

 But for all of this, romantically I lost it all. My arms were wide open just in case, and the truths of my most hopeful intentions were, as far as I could judge at the time, made entirely known. In my head it all fit so well: she was having trouble job hunting after her own graduation, a lot of her friends had moved away or were not very responsive, and at such a point in a young life it is perhaps the most opportune time to embark on such a commitment as moving so far and striking out fresh. Yet she stayed and moved on, despite the efforts, despite my attempts to convince her of my hopefulness for us. And I hold no ill feelings toward her at all, of course. It was not ugly in any way. And in a reversed situation I can’t say what I would have done… I feel like I would have gone along, had I been in a similarly uncertain situation, but of course I cannot know, having never been there. So this must be stressed: there are no hard feelings.

 But I close my eyes and there she is, wearing that so-familiar outfit. It is that simple, if I wish to call upon it: in my mind she is unchanging in all of her incredible beauty. And there’s her laugh, so hearty and contagious, and there is that characteristic sparkle in her eyes so hard to look away from. They are ingrained into my memory as deeply as any learned equation. And I drift off to sleep at night and she’s here, or I’m there, or we’re somewhere entirely unfamiliar, but it’s we, and I cannot help but wish with all of my being that I’d wake up and find this to be reality. And her slightest, most gentle touch just effortlessly peels all of the hard-won armor from my skin; I am utterly powerless against her. Sometimes I walk into a room and catch such a brief whiff of a familiar scent that for a fleeting moment she’s right there beside me, and sometimes I hear the faint whisper of a voice so deeply entangled into my mind that she appears in context, bright-eyed and strikingly beautiful as ever. I might taste the gentle touch of her lips upon mine and I imagine the cascades of a thousand waterfalls which cannot possibly manage to drown out the joyful ringing in my head. Such is her legacy to me.

 I’m like a tiny creature cradled in the palms of her gentle hands, gazing up into dark brown eyes so deep as if an entire galaxy could be harbored within. Her slightest breath could topple mountains and turn landscapes to dust. My heartstrings are tangled into every last part of her body and mind, doomed to be tugged every which way with the slightest graceful movement. I would want to follow her anywhere, yet her presence fills the sky from horizon to horizon and churns within the individual grains of dirt beneath my feet as I wander the Earth. If not into her arms then there is nowhere else in particular to go because she is everywhere, is in everything.

But reality, of course, inevitably sinks back in… eventually, as it must, because I must move on as well. There is no other option when you’ve given every last effort you know to express the open invitation for someone. It simply becomes the reality which must be accepted. Our own personal desires may drive every single thing that we do, but our own personal desires do not determine what’s true. They do not themselves alter the separate desires of another person. The sheer force of my will alone cannot influence the situation any further.

 And so I admit now that I do not know how to move on, myself. I don’t know how one does it without eventually coming into another such companionship which works to overtake the one just left behind, smoothing out the “moving on” process. I don’t mean to trivialize the following relationship, but rather to acknowledge the power it could hold in salvation. You shouldn’t seek it out because of this, but because you find it you could be freed. But without that path, I stand at infinite crossroads, no specific path being chosen, and time itself becomes the means by which I move on.

 You hear that time “heals all wounds”. But I don’t believe that time itself should be what gets the credit, rather, I think we just forget how much they hurt. Time is the means by which we ever so gradually lay new, fresher memories and feelings upon the previous. You may forget one as it fades into the ever-receding past, but it will always linger, always persisting in the depths of you, ready to be called upon by random sensory triggers. Such is her reality to me, now. It comes and it goes, it’s fleeting and it’s persistent, it’s vivid and it’s vague, and it’s all of these at once in uncontrollable combinations.

 The frustrating part about it now is that somehow I start to feel guilty if I begin to develop feelings for someone… as if I’ve let myself wander across some boundary I somehow should know I have no place being, even after all these months. And this is silly, I know, but it’s real, and I’m unsure of how to combat it. Because when I have tried so hard to be such good friends with so many incredible people, I then don’t know how to not jeopardize this, how to conclude that -this- particular one could be more somehow, and reciprocated. I feel like I don’t know how to be more than friends with anybody else after all of that, no matter how deeply I want to, or if want to. I don’t even know how ridiculously obvious this might have already been to anyone on the outside.

 But I can say one thing with absolute, unwavering certainty such that I’ve never once been able to say about anything before: it is because of such an intensely emotional investment into this one single relationship I managed to let slip through my fingers that I still, and always will, believe in utter confidence that true love is a thing, is obtainable and is worth every single shred of effort you can put forth to call your own. It is as fragile as it is real, as painful as it is wonderfully blissful, and can be as heavy a burden on the soul as incredibly free as it makes it.

 I do still believe the best is yet to come.

Posted by Unknown | at 10:49 PM | 0 comments

The Fragile Eggs of Companionship





I've had the sinking feeling, at times, that I've put too many precious eggs in too few welcoming baskets. And at times I’ve been afraid that some of them, some of the most carefully and deeply invested eggs, have been casually dismissed…neglected…tossed around…even stomped on, crushed and obliterated, whether intentionally or not. And when this happens, what else is there to do but pick up the pieces, these shattered remnants of what had been a blossoming interpersonal relationship, and try another approach? I’m not one to just turn my back and walk away, because there must have been a good reason why I had been compelled to invest so deeply. Some combination of factors had made it worth it, had made it seem reciprocated in kind, and I want to put all effort into at the very least reevaluating and redistributing these factors so that something, if not all of it, can still remain between us. Sometimes this was just a casual friendship, sometimes a much more enduring one, once it was even an intimate one. As it turns out, obviously enough, the magnitude of the resulting damage is in this same order.

Interestingly, it's not those who blatantly stomp on the eggs who inflict the most pain. In this way it's quick and made very clear, at least, despite the violence, despite the pain. No, rather, it's the more casual, slow-going dismissals that are particularly difficult to make sense of and deal with—when you don't realize the damage that has been accumulating, that mess slowly growing in the bottom of that particular basket, oozing and spreading over any other still-healthy eggs. It slowly infects the entire scope of the relationship, so gradually that it goes almost entirely unnoticed until one day you open your eyes and all of the damage, all of the shattered broken mess, is laid bare.

My first instinct upon realization is to gather them up, all of these eggs I've distributed, all of the ones still healthy and functioning at least and, after cleaning up the messes of those that didn’t endure, encase them in something hopefully impenetrable like diamond, or adamantium. Protect them, these fragile investments of mine, so as not to let any possibility remain of such abuse and hardship. Then, once properly armored, maybe give a few of them back (just a few!) to each connection of mine, enough to at least enjoy a nice friendship, and keep the rest of them locked safely away inside an unbreakable vault to deny any access.

But what good would that do? Sure they'd be safe inside the confines of their hardened shells, but life would then be almost unbearably dull and lonely. Because what at first seems better and more comforting, to carefully reinvest the new batch and take in the comfort of knowing they will be safe in their armored shells, is actually its own separate kind of trap; the comfort would be short-lived. The relationships they symbolize would now be unchanging by definition, perhaps even more destined to fade because of this. Because again, a gradually fading, casually dismissed investment is much more damaging in the end, being unchanging in this decline, than one that can be addressed and modified accordingly.

The deeply-rooted trouble here is that addressing the complications of any relationship requires the willful cooperation of all parties involved. So your friend, or your partner, must also desire to make amends together with you. I believe this is the supreme difficulty we all face in our relations, why it sometimes seems so difficult to connect with those we hold so dear. They must also realize that there is something which needs addressing, that there is perhaps not enough cushioning for those ever-fragile eggs you are incubating together. This is the case with even the most casual of friendships, and I assert that this is the primary cause of most, if not all, damaged relations of all kinds.

I think, then, of all the potential, all the as yet unrealized beauty that these priceless, fragile little eggs can bring me and others, the fullness that will otherwise be hopelessly lacking among all relations. Whether this is a “standard” friendship, even if maybe one of those incredibly fun ones that are destined to dwindle somewhat in time (but on good terms), maybe even one of those exceptionally real, dependable, everlasting ones that you can rely on until the bitter end of time, or maybe, just maybe, a romance, the truest most beautiful fairy tale come to reality, it doesn’t alter this fundamental idea of cooperation and mutual effort and consideration.

And sometimes a little nudge is all another person needs to realize a shortcoming on their part; for this reason it is always important to keep up your own efforts. I’ve noticed a lot of people tend to sit themselves on the sidelines and insist that the other person is the one who needs to come out and say or do something, but the danger here is that if everyone involved is under the same impression, nothing is going to happen. Somebody has to begin the effort! But I, or anyone, cannot bring out this potential alone. It is, as uncomfortable as the realization makes me, entirely dependent on others. This has to be done carefully; it can't be forced, or pressured, or otherwise coerced without jeopardizing the very thing being attempted to develop.

No, the eggs need to be able to grow, to hatch and blossom, on their own time. If we want any chance of a meaningful relationship (any kind, friendly or romantic), the eggs need to exist in all their full fragile glory. For when you are entrusted with these eggs you are their incubator, their basket. You need to understand the responsibilities you have been trusted with. Understand that they need love, patience, and understanding—all that you can muster, to the absolute best of your ability. They will thrive and reward you beyond the wildest dreams imaginable. Nothing else in the world can provide this like a truly understanding, mutual relation can.

I can't help but wonder what things would be like if people, with all their feelings and emotions, could be reliably fit somehow into a calculation. A set of calculations can triangulate the position of a tiny rock, or spacecraft, hurtling through space to incredible accuracy. This can be very, very useful, for obvious reasons. That the factors involved are even able to be recognized and predicted make all the difference. The same goes for many, many things in our lives. But such a strategy is all but useless with a person's feelings. Sure, there must be people who have developed an uncanny skill in reading people, and maybe can make startlingly accurate predictions about others and how to go about building whatever depth of relation is most achievable between them. But I don't think there is the slightest chance of such a practice being even remotely reliable on a large meaningful scale, or across a meaningful timeline, by most people. The depth of each person's mind is an unimaginably complex place, and I find it somewhat… frightening, to be honest, but ruthlessly fascinating. Maybe it's a wonder anyone gets along at all, let alone bond like so many lifelong friendships have or especially truly fall in love. These precious eggs we are always entrusting into each other represent so much of what is so advantageous to us as human beings, able to form these sorts of bonds among each other and face the wild complexities of the world together.

And so absolutely any connection is meaningful and important beyond any combinations of words, and is worthy of every bit of care and consideration possible. It's just not worth missing out on because of what may very well be petty differences exaggerated by stubbornness from one or both sides. That person you met one time, who said something weird and you never talked to them again, could have been the most beloved friend or companion you could possibly have hoped to have. That person who you used to be good friends with, and who never seems to call or want to hang out anymore and you don't feel like you should have to "put all the effort in," could also be the most beloved friend or companion you could possibly have. One extra little egg entrusted to them could have made all the difference. You don’t know unless you’ve put forth all of your effort deemed worthy for their cause, and carefully but graciously invested upon them a portion of your own collection of priceless eggs for incubation.

Whatever the case, the nourishment of these eggs needs cooperation and uncompromising honesty. For the love of all things, please let’s communicate with each other. Effectively! It's stunning how often this gets in the way, this simple lack of communication, needlessly complicating things or destroying them altogether. When there are differences between two people, embrace them! Differences can help us learn together, see things from entirely separate vantage points, like nothing else can. And when there are similarities between people, embrace them as well! Similarities can help us reinforce our own drives and interests because we find comfort when other people have developed them similarly yet independently.

If you feel even the slightest shred of feeling for a person, even the tiniest bit of compassion for another, don't completely give up on them when things might have grown awkward or distant. And if someone, no matter how dear to you they are, wishes for you to lose touch with others (or if you realize that this is happening of its own accord), please consider this long and hard. There is probably more at stake than you realize. I submit that it is absolutely not worth it in the end if a newly found loved one imposes upon you to spend less time, or no time at all, with your previously held group of friends. I do not believe that one single romantic relationship can outshine a handful of long-held friendly ones… yet I see this time and time again and is, ultimately, one of the primary driving factors built into this writing.

Because it hurts, because there is no reason why a person can’t retain all prior friendships, even if somewhat less devotedly, after entering into a romantic one. That romance should be built into the already existing web of connections without drastically altering its structure. Otherwise one is going to come across as if those friendships were only mere placeholders for the one actual relation that was being sought after all along. And I don’t believe that anyone actually goes about their lives that way, but many seem to tend to react in such a way as if this is somehow what is “meant” to happen. I worry sometimes that societal factors have built into many peoples’ minds that that one true love romance-turned-marriage is the prime objective and all else is secondary if not spread out to the sidelines altogether. But no, with every bit of stress that I can place on a single sentence, this is not how our ongoing relationships need to play out. All of these precious eggs that have been devoted in such an interweaving mesh of interconnections have had so much care, consideration, and time built into their foundations that unimaginable havoc is bound to be wreaked upon them under such circumstances, havoc probably not even realized inside the blissful mind of the romanced party.

This isn’t always the case, of course, and I applaud all of those who manage to maintain the best combinations of relations possible. In my own experience, however, this is not often the case, and it troubles me more deeply than most things witnessed so far in my time. And I always try to tell myself that it’s merely a phase, an understandable phase where hormones and emotions run rampant, but in truth this doesn’t comfort me much because I know that by the time those emotions have settled, and someone begins to desire those friendly relations once again, they may be long gone after having moved on themselves, having exhausted their own efforts to keep that basket warm and nourishing.

I, for one, am going to always focus on distributing my own eggs as far and wide as I can manage, carefully considering those seeming to be most worthy and considerate of them, in order to enjoy as much shared fulfillment in life as I can possibly maintain. And I hope that others will do the same in return, not only for me in particular, but for everyone else striving so earnestly to connect with so many other people inhabiting this wildly complicated planet together. Each of us are all we all have to truly connect and relate with, and this should never be cast to the sidelines. Don't reinforce the eggs. They need room to grow. Reinforce the baskets, and reinforce your individual efforts to form, retain, and nurture these connections. The time we all have here together needs to be cherished with every fiber of every person's being. Every little tick of the clock occurs and is gone forever. I don't like to think of time as the means by which wounds are healed, but as the means by which they are learned to be dealt with and learned from, and maybe even simply forgotten if such is the case. Perhaps this is what some call "healing”. As long as we try hard enough, the best is yet to come.

Posted by Unknown | at 11:07 PM | 0 comments

Separated By Oceans



Well these bottles look nice, and cold, and fulfilling
So I wander outside to relax by just sitting
And the darkness descending, it seems sort of fitting
As the sun makes its way out of the bright sky
Kind of like you did when you said goodbye…

As I drain down the first, I feel less afraid
And my thoughts turn to all of those memories we made
So many have not even begun to fade
Your face, and your voice; your laugh, and your touch
I never imagined I could miss them so much…

I had everything resting right there in my hand
But it slipped through my fingers like such fine grains of sand
Ever since I’ve been so lost, stumbling through this wasteland
I can’t even remember why we said goodbye
Sometimes the most beautiful fairy tale goes awry…

As I savor the first few, I explore the vast flow
Of these feelings which seem now to lessen the blow
But I can’t ever relinquish the reality I know
We were beautiful, we conquered, we realized the cost
Yet we fumbled it, somehow, and tripped as it tossed…

It’s getting real dark now, and I can’t fight this worry
As the stars start to shine in all of their glory
For each one’s a memory, a deep-rooted story
I could assign every one, and not even start
To dip into the contents leaking from my heart…

Now I notice some storm clouds coming from the west
As I finish the first half and long for the rest
And remember the feelings never quite expressed
When all of our love was at its most fragile and bare
If only I’d realized the prime time to share…

How could such beauty be left by the side?
Why would we let it escape us with pride?
I don’t even know how many times that I’ve cried
So crazy how all of the words worth the most
Can just linger unspoken and fade like a ghost…

It’s starting to rain now, as my head feels the beers
But I’ll just stay here and reminisce all those good years
At least no one who passes will notice these tears
But I can’t say the same of this pain I still feel
I guess there are some wounds even time will not heal…

Well these bottles are empty; the clouds are still pouring
My poor head is spinning and my sad thoughts are roaring
I can’t say I really look forward to morning
Another long day I’ll spend just going through motions
Through this loneliness now separated by oceans…

Posted by Unknown | at 4:43 AM | 3 comments

An Unfortunate, But Fortunate, Passing

(September 29, 2011)





My mom requested that I write something to be shared for my beloved great-aunt Laverne's funeral this weekend... she passed away just several days ago, after a very long and loving and fulfilling life of eighty-seven years. And, well, this short little essay will say the rest, as I hope it will touch others as it touched me to write it.
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My earliest memories of my Aunt Laverne must be of the time that I spent, as a child, staying with her and my Uncle Wayne. I was very young, and I don’t remember much very clearly, but a few situations definitely stand out—perhaps the most striking of which is going garage sale exploring, and usually returning to their home with a new jigsaw puzzle to spend the next couple days putting together. Sometimes she would come and help me, but always she would praise and encourage my efforts.

I remember eating ice cream with her and my Uncle Wayne in the living room, and watching some old TV show, and I remember going shopping with them, and one time being allowed to pick out a can of Pringles for myself. I also remember one particular time visiting my Uncle Wayne at the Captain D’s where he was working, and him yelling at me because I tried to come behind the counter to talk to him. I think I cried, but I didn’t know any better and I always had (and still have) a tendency to cry. In fact I am crying right now. I hope it didn’t make them feel bad.

I never knew my Aunt Laverne very well, as far as “knowing” a person relates to how much one knows of another person’s deepest thoughts and feelings and opinions and interests and beliefs. But I can confidently say that I have always had a profound respect for her, because she always struck me as a genuinely kindhearted and caring person. I don’t think I ever heard anything from her other than soft and kindly-spoken words. Granted, I only knew her during her elderly years, and even so very sparingly, but still, it is very much worth noting. Because such is the imprint that she has left upon me, and for this she will always hold a favorable spot in my heart and in my memories. And, similarly, but inconceivably to me, for these same incredible traits and more, I can only imagine how lucky a man my Uncle Wayne is—because he undoubtedly knew her better than anybody and was the happy recipient of her love and influence and everything that made her her for fifty-plus blissful years.

I would have liked to probe her mind for insights into her thoughts of this crazy world we all live in—what her most cherished memories were, her thoughts on how much the world had changed in her lifetime, what sorts of advice she might want to pass on to a “youngin’” like me, what sorts of aspirations she felt had, so much later in life, proven to be the most worthwhile of all. I feel like so much wisdom might be gleaned from such a person who has lived such a long, full, glorious life. I may have missed such a chance, but she has left a legacy for herself, buried deep within all of the people she ever touched… most deeply of all, I imagine, with the person who was there with her for practically every step of the way, her lifelong husband, my uncle Wayne.

In a way they are powerful role models for me, because I hope that the love that is in my future can be as true and as long-lasting as theirs has been. Fifty years seems like almost an eternity to me, sitting here with the vast majority of my life ahead of me, but I imagine that at this moment, from my uncle’s vantage point, the very same amount of time must seem almost like a fleeting glimpse.

And so I hope that he still believes, after all this time, as I do, after almost no such time, that the best is yet to come. Not only in this life, with our loved ones, but also after this life, also with our loved ones, once again. My heart goes out to him and I wish him all of the hope and goodwill I possibly can. Because I wish for him to still experience all of the joys and glories that this worldly life has to offer him, in his friends and his family and in his passions, before at last ascending into the heavens where his true glory awaits him, and offers him her arms once more.

Posted by Unknown | at 1:23 AM | 0 comments

Two Steps From Salvation




There are so many trials a person might find themselves struggling through at any point in time. Many trials are within one’s own mindset, internal struggles such as an addiction to overcome, or some other habit to break, or a behavioral trait to change, or an outlook to improve upon, or all kinds of other examples. These trials involve, almost exclusively, your own willpower and (to say nothing less of their values and impacts) have at least that advantage going for them, because you have ultimate control over your own mind. The sheer force of your own will actually holds significant weight when the object of its application is within your own mind and being. Still others, many, many others, inherently the most frustrating of all, are those which require the cooperation of other people to overcome. Such trials are the most frustrating of all simply because of this fact—because no amount of sheer willpower can influence another person to act accordingly with your goals if they are not themselves pursuing a similar one of their own (or at least willing to indulge you). But for this added complication there is so much more appreciation to be had when success is finally achieved and salvation is at long last glorifying your soul.

Salvation can come in so many forms, among which I believe one of (if not the) most important and fullest of all is the mutual appreciation of one’s thoughts, feelings, and desires they wish to pursue with the full cooperation of another human being. But when you’ve been struggling to achieve some passionate goal for so long, fighting off wave after wave of intense opposition, battling the judgments and the disagreements and the miscommunications and the unwillingness of others to assist you, enduring countless disappointments and let-downs while all along being so ready and willing in your own mind but endlessly frustrated at the apparent refusal of cooperation of everyone else whom your success depends upon to reciprocate your efforts, it can become so easy to just let it all go. Sometimes it becomes so easy to lump such a massive accumulation of frustration and resentment into one last-ditch effort of abandonment, pack it all up in a tightly closed suitcase of hopes and dreams you were once so intent to give chase to, toss it over the edge of the unfinished bridge before you set fire to it and just forget the whole thing altogether.

But one should think long and deeply about such a decision, because you have undoubtedly made some sort of progress toward such a goal even if it seems like every single individual effort on your own part has been shot down and crushed under the feet of the very people you have so intensely tried to connect with. If nothing else, nothing at all else, you’ve gained invaluable insight for the future into the sorts of people who are likely going to respond in such an undesirable way, and this should assist you in your renewed search for more meaningful, more attainable endeavors—because your search should never end. There is always knowledge and experience to gain without necessarily giving up entirely on any original goal, even if you realize you have to give up entirely on certain people who were once a part of your goal. Even when you’ve come so far as to stand within two measly steps of the glorious salvation you so valiantly wish to achieve, shining so brightly right there in front of you but just slightly out of your own reach, the people in your life very likely hold the keys to unlock the final advancements—those final two steps—but, as they hold the keys, they have the advantage of being in control of their own desires and these unfortunately might not coincide with your own. You can spend vast amounts of time in constant frustration over being so close to the end but with no power to bridge that tiny remaining space by yourself.

Some goals simply require the cooperation of just one other person in order to achieve their fullest potentials. This factor makes such goals the most difficult of all because, again, the sheer force of your own will cannot impose the genuine, heartfelt cooperation of another person’s. This cooperation must come from their own desires. The only thing you truly have control over, in this case, is how you go about making your own precious intentions known, and how effectively you portray this for others to respond to. Some people seem to have a natural gift with this skill, and can seemingly influence just about anybody to cooperate with them. Unfortunately, many of these people who have such a natural “talent” seem to take a liking to taking advantage of and manipulating the people they somehow so easily gain the trust and favor of. And so the variables are further complicated by this fact, and in turn so many people seem to have become irrationally hesitant to divulge anything more than the bare essentials of a friendly relationship, and especially reluctant to invest the efforts necessary to develop something so much more deep and meaningful, such as romance, or just a closer friendship, with a fellow human being. And so because of this tendency countless people are experiencing heartbreak in every waking moment because of this clash of ideals and the separation from goals and desires which have every reason to be achieved with proper cooperation. Of course I’m not suggesting that all pursuits must be matched by the objects of their desires, but that more communication and efforts would do wonders to promote effective progress, even “negative” progress. If nothing else, at least some closure on the idea. Some heartbreaks are inevitable, in many cases because the initial premise of the pursuit was not genuine. Rationale and communication and understanding true feelings are always crucial, and even when the necessary outcome is a tragedy to one side, tragedies have a tendency to sort themselves out and bring an epiphany of sorts, as a person finally grasps the true sense of the ideal they had poured so much effort into. Nothing is truly as “good” or as “bad” as it feels at the time, but can be understood to the closest possible truth in proper time and consideration. Sometimes you might believe you are standing but two steps from salvation of your troublesome efforts and yet the only positive recourse is to turn and find a new path. Sometimes what once seemed like your glorious salvation was in reality nothing but a hopeful illusion, and your path needs to start fresh on a new course. Sometimes defeat is the necessary epiphany you need. You should never burn down the bridge, however. At least let them stand as reminders of how close you had come in each attempt, perhaps even where they had gone wrong.

But if you are genuine in your intentions, and are pursuing another person who is genuine in their own intentions, then this daunting, almost-un-scalable wall can actually be overcome to its fullest potential. And I believe that this achievement really is one of the highest beauties of this world, in large part because of the tremendous difficulty and complexity in its achievement, and also in the immense, priceless rewards that it showers its recipients with. Nothing else in this world can provide you with what a true, deep, genuine companionship with another person can. This applies to true, boundless love just as much as it applies to true, deep undying friendship. There is beauty to be had in these relations like absolutely nothing else can compare to, because the pleasures of the mind simply have no comparison in the purely physical realm. What’s most amazing to me is that this physical and mental connection with another human being can bring so much hope and joy and appreciation, and this beauty knows no rival, but it can be either provided or withheld at the tiniest possible whim if just one person involved is so reluctant to reciprocate. You can wreak some wild havoc on a person if you know how to mess with their head. Words could never do justice to the urgency with which everybody should realize how impactful this realization is. Do not play mind games with a person so devoted to their passions; let them down honestly and with care if this needs to be the case.

The truest among such successful connections are likely to be very hard-won, although there are of course many cases that just seem to click almost effortlessly. Such cases, I believe, are as close to the idea of “love at first sight” as are possible to achieve. I do not draw a distinction at this point between the love of a romantic partner and the love of a truly deep friendly one, or even a genetic one. All are incomparable in their fundamental benefits to and among each and every single last one of us. The differences are only in context and in expression. I think we all need such connections, as many as we can get our hands on, and the heavily-guarded keys that we tend to keep tucked away inside our minds might perhaps benefit from a little (or a lot) more careful efforts put toward sharing them with others who are passionately and genuinely seeking them out.

We all desire those deepest of connections. We all envision those everlasting friendships, those uncompromising family relations, those fairy-tale romances. Assuming an effectively rigorous system of filtering through to those people who really are legitimately reaching out to you for genuine friendly or romantic companionship, then those who slip through the barriers and traps and land mines and pitfalls and armed defense systems are worth your efforts to cooperate with—as you are worth theirs. Once they’ve proven themselves mighty in the face of your own personal defenses, then you should devote some careful consideration into how much of a future relationship (friendly/romantic) is likely to be successful. At this point the odds are heavily in positive favor, as they’ve already overcome whatever number of hurdles you’ve set up to keep the reckless fools at bay… assuming your traps are effective. So now give them the time of day they deserve. They’ve come this far for good reason.

In my case it has been both the genuine, deep friendships and true romantic companionship that I have been fighting for so long to establish further—although the latter of which has been, by far, the more intense struggle over a recent two and a half years and is the primary inspiration in this. There have been moments in which I felt like everything was at last falling into place, only to have the rug pulled so violently from underneath me that I didn’t even realize I was crashing to the ground until the sudden onset of pain forced the realization. For so long I was given only vague, all-but-concealed tastes of a connection which was never actually placed within my own reach. It was always kept dangling just beyond the ability of my own efforts to grasp, and yanked away every time I finally felt that I had figured it all out. Efforts were not genuinely reciprocated, and it took me far too long to realize this had been the case all along. This sort of thing can be avoided, for all people, male and female, friends and lovers, long-held relations and brand new ones. Nobody needs to go through so much just to finally have the truth laid bare in front of them whether or not there actually is anything genuine and worthwhile for them to gain and offer in return.

For so long I have been a mere two steps from this salvation from my own worries—two steps from achieving the goal that I have been so vigorously desiring and pursuing, the goal that has been so vividly, brightly shining in my own mind, so beautifully portrayed in my dreams manifesting in the depths of the night, but all the while so helplessly dependent on the cooperation of just one single other person that no amount of sheer willpower alone could bring within my grasp. At times it felt like success was so close, so near to me that I could almost get a grip on it, but it had always ended up slipping through my fingers right at the moment I made the lunge. I am not proud to say that I persisted for far too long in what was so often made painstakingly clear to me was a fruitless endeavor—I was blinded by too much optimism and too much desire to see it through to an end that was never actually achievable, for achievement requires mutual interests and in these cases I was indulging far more efforts than were worth the returns on my investments. Any situation which isn’t demonstrably mutual is in all likelihood a dead end, and the sooner you can realize this fact the sooner you can reassess your efforts and pursue something which actually holds the promise of cooperation. I believe this is, by far, the most important consideration of all, but also the most difficult to accurately judge, because everybody is ridiculously complex, which is the single factor which makes this whole concept so frustratingly laborious to accomplish.

I eventually let go of the pursuit I had spent so much time and effort chasing, after finally realizing that my efforts were fruitless in the face of so much confusion and unwillingness. The weight of all that I finally released from my grip severely blistered my fingers, which is funny because even an illusion can wreak such unimaginable havoc on your mind and body, but of course they would heal in time—although I had no idea how long this would take.

But then, not so long after, almost as if as a reward a newer, much more brightly-shining potential revealed itself to me as I realized that a dear friend of mine was returning home after a very, very long trip overseas was coming to an end. And I realized, not only during all of this struggling for so long but again when pondering the possibilities of what could be once again pursued and reflecting on the long, memory-filled history that I share with this person, that there is an extremely deep and valuable lesson that I have learned during the two and a half years that have separated our story, which is that the willing cooperation of another human being to share with you your own thoughts and feelings and passions and lifestyles, while sharing their own lives with your own thoughts and feelings and passions and lifestyles, is meaningful beyond the scope of any possible combination of words. This cooperation is the key to everything that a genuine companionship must build its foundation upon. This wild epiphany suddenly rushed into my head, and it was almost as if I fell to my knees under the weight of its realization. The people you should be sharing your life with, and your deepest thoughts and feelings, should be returning the favor. And this will be obvious. You should not be perpetually shrouded in confusion. The genuine people will want to spend at least close to as much time with you as you want to spend with them. They will let you know their own feelings about you just as you so desire to let them know how you feel about them. They will set aside time, that wondrously wild commodity we so often take for granted, for you, because they want nothing less. You will suddenly be contacted by those who care just as often as you have been trying to contact them, and they will ask you for your time just as often as you have been trying to ask for theirs. The precious people who genuinely appreciate and desire your company will make themselves known to you. They will cooperate with you.

And so she returned, and we reconnected, and as the storm clouds retreated from my muddled mindset I realized that we both have similar goals and passions and hopes for the future and, most striking of all, we both want to share our most deepest-held thoughts and feelings with each other. And so I have at long last found that which I’ve been struggling to find in another human being for so long, in the person that I never even knew whether I’d ever see again. It’s absolutely incredible how quickly two and a half years can melt away into the newfound mesh of old-and-new interests and experiences, and blossom into not just what it always was, but everything that it had ever hoped to be.

There is an incredibly beautiful phrase, made even more beautiful by its incredible simplicity: "The hardest part is over." It is a simple line, being only five words, but I think it has enormous meaning behind it when you truly realize such a reality. To me it basically represents an acknowledgment that the toughest times of some pursuit are over, however hard they may have been. The point is that you recognize them, and look ahead to the future that awaits the aftermath—the future that will be better. Because what good are the memories we hold so dear if we don’t use them as guidelines, always striving to do better? I believe that optimism is one of the ultimate virtues we can have, and what better way to put it to use? We need to believe that the future will be better. Even if things are going great right now, that’s all the more hope to hold for tomorrow. Our memories are the basis for this optimism, so that we have something to reflect on and set our standards by. The deepest pits of sorrow you've ever hauled yourself out of hold that much more relevance and insight into how to better shape your future. It's such a beautiful thing to be able to look back on a period of intense struggling and realize that it's over.

In the movie Office Space, the main character reveals that every single day of his life is the worst day he’s ever had. Despite the funny nature of the poor guy’s situation, I think what everyone is meant to do is strive for the exact opposite. In an ideal world every day would be greater than the previous. What if you could wake up each and every morning and truly believe that this day was better than the last? And if you could expand this realization, each new day's progressive happiness compounded upon the previous, so much potential could be realized. And we do have at least some control over that, if we act accordingly. A determined mindset will work wonders. Tomorrow will be better, and the next day even more so. It's a wonderful ideal, at least, and a few setbacks here and there don't need to wreck the overall trend.

Being two steps from salvation had always seemed like such a simple obstacle to overcome, long ago. But I was foolish and naïve and I find it incredible how clear this is to me now. Sometimes a new chapter in life makes you realize that the previous chapter actually had ended long ago. And sometimes you realize that you never actually had something you believed you did until you finally truly do. I just never imagined how difficult this salvation would be to re-achieve, but now that I am staring it in the face it seems like such a fitting irony for it to be with the very person with whom I walked away from it in the first place. But she came back around, and I made my hopeful desires clear, and she so beautifully reciprocated, and so now, at long last, I have the cooperation I’ve been seeking for so long. I have the cooperation of the single other mindset that has been necessary to bridge this particular gap all along. And so these two seemingly trivial steps, this separation from the glory of salvation which has been so emotionally fearful and daunting for so long despite being so physically near to me in the people around me, so seemingly simple in mind but so incredibly difficult in reality, are finally laid bare and ready to be taken.

And so when at long last this endeavor is achieved, and you are finally basking in all of the glory that this success is shining down upon you, you will finally understand that it no longer matters how long you had to suffer, because the two of you hold everything that now matters together in your hands. The world is now yours to conquer—to shape from your collective experiences, joys and mutual interests to your will. Anything that you want to experience together, go and make it so! Make the memories that you want to cherish. Create the situations that you want to enjoy. Share the thoughts that you want to appreciate. Seize the moments that you want to last. The opportunity does not even exist but there in your minds. This is not something that directly results from the physical world around us, but something that we create through abstract connections of the mind, and join together, and nourish through the years with the heartfelt efforts that feed it through eternity until the very last breaths our physical forms are capable of producing are spent at long last. And even then it won’t be enough, it can never be enough, but it will be all that we could have ever reasonably hoped for, and I don’t think there is any deeper beauty in the end than knowing that you crossed over that boundary and achieved the salvations of your once-troubled souls with the same person who is sharing the pain of old age with you still. The best is yet to come.

And so I am, at this moment, as I have been for so long, two measly steps from blissful salvation… but now that I am hand-in-hand with the single other person I want to take these steps with, the single other person I long to appreciate life’s complexities and mysteries and joys and sorrows with, to forever further our understanding and enjoyment of this crazy world with, I am not simply going to take these two steps…

I am going to take three.



Posted by Unknown | at 12:06 AM | 0 comments

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