Showing posts with label hope. Show all posts
Showing posts with label hope. Show all posts

An Unfortunate, But Fortunate, Passing

(September 29, 2011)





My mom requested that I write something to be shared for my beloved great-aunt Laverne's funeral this weekend... she passed away just several days ago, after a very long and loving and fulfilling life of eighty-seven years. And, well, this short little essay will say the rest, as I hope it will touch others as it touched me to write it.
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My earliest memories of my Aunt Laverne must be of the time that I spent, as a child, staying with her and my Uncle Wayne. I was very young, and I don’t remember much very clearly, but a few situations definitely stand out—perhaps the most striking of which is going garage sale exploring, and usually returning to their home with a new jigsaw puzzle to spend the next couple days putting together. Sometimes she would come and help me, but always she would praise and encourage my efforts.

I remember eating ice cream with her and my Uncle Wayne in the living room, and watching some old TV show, and I remember going shopping with them, and one time being allowed to pick out a can of Pringles for myself. I also remember one particular time visiting my Uncle Wayne at the Captain D’s where he was working, and him yelling at me because I tried to come behind the counter to talk to him. I think I cried, but I didn’t know any better and I always had (and still have) a tendency to cry. In fact I am crying right now. I hope it didn’t make them feel bad.

I never knew my Aunt Laverne very well, as far as “knowing” a person relates to how much one knows of another person’s deepest thoughts and feelings and opinions and interests and beliefs. But I can confidently say that I have always had a profound respect for her, because she always struck me as a genuinely kindhearted and caring person. I don’t think I ever heard anything from her other than soft and kindly-spoken words. Granted, I only knew her during her elderly years, and even so very sparingly, but still, it is very much worth noting. Because such is the imprint that she has left upon me, and for this she will always hold a favorable spot in my heart and in my memories. And, similarly, but inconceivably to me, for these same incredible traits and more, I can only imagine how lucky a man my Uncle Wayne is—because he undoubtedly knew her better than anybody and was the happy recipient of her love and influence and everything that made her her for fifty-plus blissful years.

I would have liked to probe her mind for insights into her thoughts of this crazy world we all live in—what her most cherished memories were, her thoughts on how much the world had changed in her lifetime, what sorts of advice she might want to pass on to a “youngin’” like me, what sorts of aspirations she felt had, so much later in life, proven to be the most worthwhile of all. I feel like so much wisdom might be gleaned from such a person who has lived such a long, full, glorious life. I may have missed such a chance, but she has left a legacy for herself, buried deep within all of the people she ever touched… most deeply of all, I imagine, with the person who was there with her for practically every step of the way, her lifelong husband, my uncle Wayne.

In a way they are powerful role models for me, because I hope that the love that is in my future can be as true and as long-lasting as theirs has been. Fifty years seems like almost an eternity to me, sitting here with the vast majority of my life ahead of me, but I imagine that at this moment, from my uncle’s vantage point, the very same amount of time must seem almost like a fleeting glimpse.

And so I hope that he still believes, after all this time, as I do, after almost no such time, that the best is yet to come. Not only in this life, with our loved ones, but also after this life, also with our loved ones, once again. My heart goes out to him and I wish him all of the hope and goodwill I possibly can. Because I wish for him to still experience all of the joys and glories that this worldly life has to offer him, in his friends and his family and in his passions, before at last ascending into the heavens where his true glory awaits him, and offers him her arms once more.

Posted by Unknown | at 1:23 AM | 0 comments

The Best Is Yet To Come

(September 18, 2011)


You’ve been gone for so long, and I almost lost hope
I’ve been struggling, fighting, slipping down this steep slope
After so long I almost lost all means to cope
We had everything resting right there in our hands
But it slipped through my fingers, like liquid grains of sands
Since then I’ve been so lost, stumbling through dark wastelands

I don’t even remember why we said goodbye
Sometimes the most beautiful fairy tales go awry
I simply can’t count the times I’ve wanted to cry
What we had was so gorgeous, the most beautiful song
And I tried and I tried to remain firm and strong
But what’s left to do when you’re so persistently gone?

You’ve been gone for so long, but I’ve always kept dreaming
In the depths of the night love has never stopped gleaming
But I wake up so lost and alone and I’m screaming
Cause my dreams can’t provide what your presence would bring
All this distance has stretched what’s left to but a string
For so long these dreams were all I had with which to cling

And then you returned, and the storm clouds retreated
And gradually my cold, frozen heart was reheated
In time our weary, worn damaged hearts were re-greeted
After so much time passes it all tends to be blurred
But your newfound presence almost seems a reward
Again forever is ours to claim as more than a word

You’ve been gone for so long, but you’ve come back at last
Now every moment will shine as its memory is passed
This potential regained is so incredibly vast
It’s amazing how two years melt away with such ease
Every moment’s now waiting here for us to seize
The world is once again ours to shape as we please

Standing here with you now the horizon looks so bright
I have never imagined there could be so much light
Not even my wildest dreams compare to this sight
Our love can now once again unfurl and blossom
What the future now holds, I can’t even fathom
We will always remember, the best is yet to come.

Posted by Unknown | at 3:14 AM | 0 comments

More Precious Time With You

(August 16, 2011)


So many of the deepest friendships I’ve ever had are all the way over in Cheyenne, Wyoming.
Others are all the way over in Oregon, Europe, Kansas, Florida, Australia, and simply other parts of Missouri.
Some of them joined the military or are otherwise all over the place.
One of even them lives in the same household I do.
And to every single one of these treasured connections I want to say, “I wish I had spent more time with you.”
“I am going to love you. For what we’ve shared I will love you.”

Most of my immediate family lives only a mere few miles away.
My mother lives only a mere few miles away.
Other, more distant family members live mostly in other parts of Missouri and in Massachusetts.
My father lives all the way over in Massachusetts.
And to every single one of these cherished blood ties I want to say, “I wish I had spent more time with you.”
“I am going to love you. As simple as that, I will love you.”

Most of these people I see only occasionally, sometimes woefully fleetingly, always regretfully out of my control.
Some I see only in multiples of years, some every year, as distance takes its toll on short-lived opportunity.
Some I see every few months, some every few weeks, as opportunity takes its toll on aching desire.
Some I see practically every day, but not necessarily see, as desire takes its toll from unfortunate circumstance.
And to every single one of these valued visitors/visited I want to say, “I wish I had spent more time with you.”
“I am going to love you. For better or worse I will love you.”

The only true romantic love I’ve ever known is thousands of miles away.
In fact, as lame as it sounds, the only true relationship I’ve ever known is thousands of miles away.
Perhaps the hole that has been left inside of me was left so deeply and so abruptly it’s kept its shape.
Perhaps only the same piece will ever fill it up again. Perhaps the best is yet to come.
To this forever-loved and remembered person, I want to say, “I wish I had spent more time with you.”
I am going to love you. Even when it hurts I will love you.”

And so, to every last person who’s ever positively touched my life, I just want to say,

“I wish I had spent more time with you. And I hope I get to spend more precious time with you.

¦]

Posted by Unknown | at 10:33 PM | 0 comments

By the Sheer Force of My Will

(August 8th, 2011; revised April 1, 2012)

I just want to grab some people and shake them with a perfect blend of vigor, urgency and compassion and say “Listen to me; it doesn't have to be like this. You can have what you want. For that matter, you can know what you want. You can seek it and obtain it. You can establish a plan of action and you can implement this plan. You can make it this way. You can make yourself how you want to be. You can surround yourself with people who appreciate and complement you and bring out such traits ever-further. You can even work together with these people for some of the goals you share. You have more influence than you know!” And because they probably won’t genuinely take this gesture to heart, I wish I could transport some of my will somehow across the space between our minds and help them in the ways that I know they can be helped. If only they would open up the door, or at least unbolt it.

But I have only so much influence on another person by the sheer force of my own will, as powerful as this is. Someone needs only to be willing to pursue similar wavelengths to open potential’s door to infinity—but it takes two… and I am (as everyone is) only one. Yet every time I close my eyes she behaves exactly how I wish she would and we are doing together precisely what I believe we should. I at least have this power. This power can make so much difference within the fantasies of hopes and dreams, but means next to nothing in reality if the other does not reciprocate in some way. And so if I’m sitting out on my back porch, enjoying my own company, then the act of closing my eyes and spreading my mind’s wings brings as much hopeful thought as I could possibly care to allow. And this ability we all have is so truly incredible, and I cherish this ability with every fiber of my being. In imagination you can have absolutely whatever you want. But it doesn’t bring anything tangible, as only another person can. It doesn’t help to actually bring this person forth and willing to share their undivided attention with you. And so again it comes down to the incredible depths of the communications between two people who are each dealing with the wild complexities of their lives and their own minds and pursuits therein. But an overlap of pursuits holds immeasurable potential if only two people can merge their devotions in such a way to hunt it down together. And there is absolutely every possibility for this to be real, the wildest dreams realized, a fairy tale incarnate, even in the most apparently troubling cases. 


But she hesitates… they hesitate, even best friends hesitate, forever hesitating, so often seeming too reluctant to make just that little bit more of a connection which could bridge whatever gaps are keeping each other from enjoying some goal both know the other shares. And so I’ve been left for so long in this awkward position, trying to gauge what’s real among all of these connections I hold so dear and what is only a figment of my own wild imagination. 


I wonder endlessly what is it really that holds a person back from pursuing the most promising of pursuits? Of course there are potentially many, many legitimate reasons for this. But what are these reasons in each specific case? Are they really so severe to just shy away from anything more meaningful than the barest, most shallow sharing? I think in most of these cases they are unnecessarily extreme feelings of reservation, considering all the beauty that is there for the sharing and all the people that have every reason to provide for you (and for themselves) this everlasting connection. I am of course pointing at both romantic interests and friendly interests. Although the former is generally much more dramatic of a case, they really do share almost every sense of this idea. Just as romantic partners need to connect and share their thoughts and their interests and their devotions to each other, so do friends. Interests still need to be shared, devotions still need to be expressed. Their context is different, of course, but don’t let the connections slip away because what you think is a true friendship needs no maintenance.

Not everybody is out to hurt you. In fact, I would argue with anybody that the number of people that are likely out to hurt you is a miniscule fraction of what seems apparent on the surface. And among those people who have really hurt another, surely only a small fraction of them actually set out with the intention to do so. The vast majority of cases are probably unfortunate circumstances, perhaps even fallout resulting from the disasters of the very mindsets I’m trying to disclaim. Despite any number of emotionally abusive experiences somebody might have been through, this in no way speaks for everybody else. It only speaks for those specific cases. And while such an assortment of terrible experiences certainly does need to provide you with some degree of logic, and reason, and an understanding of the factors that played out in this way (most importantly so that you can recognize them sooner next time), they do not condemn every other human being on the face of the planet to inherently behave in the same manner. And this is where attitude, experience, and judge of character most importantly come into play. You want to avoid the oh-so-loathsome jerks as early as possible, of course, but you also need to be able to recognize a genuine, heartfelt interest if it happens to wander by. And so your standards need to be suited to the best combinations that you feel are worth your time pursuing. Caution is extremely important! But the general ratio between reservation and willingness is woefully lopsided in most of the cases I’ve seen.

Richard Marx sings this idea rather beautifully in his song “Loved” when he says “What good is being strong and hiding in some harbor if you and I end up all alone?” Being “strong” is a useful safety mechanism, for sure, but it should not be so extreme that nobody can ever truly get through to you. At another point in the song he sings “The two of us, we’re really children hiding underneath the armor that we wear.” And we are all children, in the sense that we have these base instincts, these ingrained desires to find those true romances and those deepest friendships. And what keeps us from them, so often, is this armor that we all construct over ourselves as we mature, perhaps usually either in response to an emotional tragedy or in anticipation of one. It can be so easy to let this coating of armor get out of hand and ultimately end up keeping everybody at such a distance that they can’t genuinely make a deep connection with you. Then you’ve traded one extreme for the other, because while it’s true that when nobody can get close to you nobody can hurt you so deeply, it’s also true that you will no longer enjoy such rewarding relationships.

It is so frustrating to be, in essence, paying for the mistakes of so many others in the past. This is what it feels like when, time after time, a person ultimately decides against any further pursuit out of the fear of a repeated occurrence from their own history. And I try my best to understand… I truly do, but my understanding can only go so far when I am standing here with my arms and my heart and my mind held so wide open and I’ve advanced as far as I can on my own terms alone. When I am utterly and completely ready to take a risk and take hold of what seems so ready and real and so full to bursting with potential, then it’s all clear as day to me. It’s time to make something more of this highest of possible beauties right here in front of us. But no amount of the most genuine showcases of deeply felt and deeply longed-for emotions and desires that a person is absolutely ready and willing to confide in and with another can truly convince them if they are, in the end, just not willing to give up the time of day. The sheer force of will is only going to ricochet off of a mind completely closed to a new idea. In this case it’s just not enough… and it can never be enough as long as this remains the case. It is a futile endeavor, has always been and will always be, whether or not you realize this is the case. What good is your puny willpower against the awesome might of a powerfully sheltered mind?

I want to cut her chains. I want to set her free from her fears and her constant hesitation. And it’s not just for the end result of romantic companionship… no, I genuinely want to help rid her of this, these fears and reservations and hesitations, even if I am not the object of her wildest dreams come true (as nice as that would be)… because I know that it’s unnecessary, this hesitant mind-set. I know that she’d willingly appreciate more if she willingly believed that such a thing was still possible. I know that this would benefit her at least as much as it would benefit me. And I have my laser chain cutter, right here in my hand, charged up and prepared, all set to go. I am ready and willing to do this. But I have to be able to get close enough to her, for it is only effective at so much range. Willpower alone can do nothing to free her. I need access to her.

When there is a rift between two people, a gaping chasm separating them by some daunting distance, then no amount of sheer willpower—although within one’s mind this is all they need—will close this gap and bring them into each other’s arms. They need to actually act, together, to bridge their interests and desires. One alone is not ever going to be enough to do this; at the very least the other needs only to stand at the bitter edge to accept the final pieces of this bridge and plant them securely into the ground. Even if I am entirely willing to put every last bit of effort into this on my own, I still need that welcoming gesture on the other side. That open invitation is the most crucial piece of all. In the absence of even this small effort the poor person fighting so hard to construct a bridge into the other’s mind is going to fall every single time without a suitable foundation to latch on to.

And I understand (some of) the reservations. I understand that there is a fear of not having found the “right one” whether or not you think you may have found it at the time—because, well, there is always, in all likelihood, going to be someone who comes around eventually who is seemingly (on the surface) “better” than your current “investment”. It’s wildly unrealistic to ever think that you have found the absolute best possible person to share your life with. Although I respect the idea of a “soul mate” as far as the devotion and appreciation invoked are concerned, I do not believe that this concept is actually true—because you will never know! But there is a critical factor to consider here, which is that no matter how promising a passing interest (or even a somewhat-well-known interest) appears to be to you, outside your current devotion, this might all be an illusion. In all likelihood, they appear more “attractive” than they actually will be if you were to run off together for more than a single night. The “game,” in such cases, most of the time, changes drastically once it’s no longer a “game” to those involved—when one or both people want a long-lasting companionship. This is one of the most fundamental necessities, I think, for two people to genuinely appreciate what they share—that, even when another potential interest comes along, the risks of giving up what has proven itself to be a worthwhile and beautiful romantic (or friendly!) connection do not outweigh the risks of dropping it all for the chance of this spontaneous spark. Assuming that a partnership has its share of “good” and “bad,” (more good than bad, hopefully) then the effort put toward reinvigorating this current companionship should be far more advantageous than the effort put toward dropping it and actually successfully developing and maintaining a “better” one based on some random fling and its subsequent rush of emotions.

Personally, I don’t care much about “evolutionary advantage” or any other such nonsense that some (even respectable) proponents like to go on about. I understand the concepts. I understand (though I have disagreements) that a man is “evolutionally advantageous” by “sleeping around” with any number of women—if only because his genes pass on, and (assuming a heartless fling) he is not assumed to be responsible to any major degree. Whether any number of us owe our existence to such a mind-set of the past, we do not live in a foraging society anymore… at least as far as “we” refers to the people that I know and who might ever read this. I think much of the argument is lost on modern society, by the very values which we’ve established as most treasured and sought-after in response to this ever-changing world. Both parties benefit, in the long run (and especially when a family is introduced into the equation, whether in reality or as a mutual desire), by sticking together; through thick and thin, for better or worse. Emotions run rampant all over the place, and I have difficulty imagining that this was ever not the case. But of course I don’t know—I didn’t live in the distant past. I am biased by today’s society, where I feel so strongly that all troubles can be conquered with the right amounts of efforts from all parties involved. And this applies until one party really has lost the majority of this connection for some tragic reason. But, although this really does happen sometimes, one should think long and hard about what this decision entails, if they really do feel like this is truly the case. It very well might be the case, unfortunately, but this should be one of the very last resorts. It is oftentimes one-sided, this decision—and the sheer force of the “victim’s” will is powerless to overturn this decision once the other has already crossed over into hopelessness and abandon.

As the complexities of our minds grow and evolve, so do our depths of feelings and the capacities in which we share and indulge them. Maybe it’s true that monogamy is vastly more suited to women, if only (but not entirely) for their child-bearing responsibilities, but this in no way proscribes gentlemen to behave oppositely—because a woman (and especially a woman and child) benefits immensely by a genuine, trustworthy, dedicated man. And this is what is frustrating more than anything else—that the men least clearly suited to provide this assistance and true commitment are the ones—sometimes—seemingly most sought after. Despite all of my efforts and concentration to understand it, this apparent trend simply baffles me. But because the attraction is perhaps so rooted in evolutionary biology, there is only so much I can do to influence others onto the “right” path and only so much judgment I can place on those who have perhaps very little control over their subconscious drives. Again, willpower on its own does not induce the changes necessary to prove that this total commitment is the “right path” on which to march onward. Nevertheless, it is endlessly frustrating and it doesn’t need to be this way.

She (or anyone else) only needs to step off her throne long enough to open up a door, or a window, or… something. But it’s not going to happen, this time. If it ever might have been a real possibility then that time came and went, at some point I was utterly clueless of. I realize this now. And I realize that I should have realized this long ago. But it took an incredible blow to rattle my senses back to right, and that blow is still resonating in my core.

Because when I’ve raised myself up so high, and have brought this person up with me the whole way, over so long a time period with all this hope and determination and goodwill and the feelings I’ve been solidifying all the while, only to eventually realize that the other person has in reality stayed chained and rooted to the ground the whole time… it’s a truly staggering blow. I am struck by the realization that I carried this person up with me to such incredible, hopeful heights with nothing more than the sheer force of my will—which of course holds no actual power over the harshness of reality. I cannot will another to share this with me when they were never actually even there, no matter how deeply I had convinced myself otherwise. Their presence was only an intense illusion created by the very feelings I felt so deeply and truly believed that they were accepting all along. At this point all that I’ve built up below me, full of my cherished hopes and dreams, cannot withstand the force of the realization of this falseness. The pillar shatters at its foundations, and it all crumbles down, and I am helpless but to fall with the jagged pieces.

Falling is fatal from such height. And I’ve been falling for a while, now; such was the effort that I had invested. The crater I’d make if I fell all the way to the ground would be devastating from all this distance I’ve been tumbling through. It would probably destroy the vast majority of my hope’s potential, and I would perhaps become one of these very people who seem doomed to perpetually hesitate at the sight of potential’s inviting doorway—so obviously entranced by the glimpse of such beauty on the other side but forever unwilling to sacrifice for it, to take anything more than even the smallest forward step. And this frightens me more than almost anything else, because clearly I have such a deep appreciation for the way things should be, for the way that people can relate and embrace each other and each other’s deepest qualities. But that is not going to happen. Although the structure I built up in this pursuit was destroyed, the blueprint still originates within me, and these fundamental beliefs that are the building blocks of a friendly or a romantic interest have not been damaged so much that they are also destroyed. They just need to be retouched a little bit, revised so that I can spot this illusion if it ever creeps up again before I’ve set myself up to fail so crushingly. And so as soon as I reacquire my senses I will stretch out my wings at long last well before I reach the bottom. I’ll make my way back over to some peaceful, inviting, safer waters, where I can remain secure for a time until I feel like I can better judge the true character of the object of the next pursuit. I am ready for this to take as long as is necessary to actually succeed next time. And so for now I just need my very own wings to save me, because at the end of any deep thought process one must realize that this is all they can truly count on.

I am ready to fly. In fact, I can feel these magnificent wings beginning to unfurl at this very moment.

Posted by Unknown | at 1:47 AM | 0 comments

Falling To Our Knees





If you've ever failed to achieve some goal you've set out to attain, so carefully planned out and brightly shining in your own mind, or have ever been suddenly dismissed by the person or people you’ve put so much effort and consideration into pursuing some path together with (friendly, romantic, business), or have ever been struck with a spontaneous, profound realization of reality you never saw coming, then you must know what it feels like to sink down into the depths of the awkward, uncertain musings of uncertainty and near-overwhelming anxiety. You must know what it's like to feel that sting of skinned knees as the strength of your core falters and the pillars of your emotional foundations collapse to the earth.
But there is hope even here, as you stare at the dirt surrounding you as you reach out to grapple something, anything of substance. The acceptance of personal weaknesses, when coupled with a positive outlook, is such a beautiful combination with so much potential. On one hand, you have the realization of a weakness, a fault and, in turn, the means to do something about it because you have identified its existence. This is the first and foremost step. Then, on the other hand, you have the hope which must exist within you and the goal for what you wanted so desperately to make of it. Our inherent intelligence allows us to establish goals and devise the means to achieve them, and identify with rational cause and effect analysis the source of a shortcoming. Whether or not the most direct blame appears to be within ourselves, our own obvious weaknesses are perhaps the best places of all to begin; this is from where there is not much room but to improve.
When you find yourself down on your battered knees it's that much clearer what needs to be done to stand right back up, now that you do not have that luxury you had taken for granted. The dirt and rubble tearing at exposed skin serves as a powerful demonstration of solidarity in something so persistently unchanging, yourself as a unique individual with a unique mind and unique pursuits despite having fallen due to some circumstance, almost as if the earth itself is saying to you "Get back up. There is only pain and boredom down here where nothing ever really changes on your timescale." You have a mind, and a will, and the recognition of pain and the boundless joy of success, so use that to your advantage. Find it. Something dragged you down, or shoved your over, and something can help to pull you back up. Oftentimes it is entirely within your own mind.
But within the more effective of these reactions is where the beauty lies: hope and determination and perseverance in the face of tragedy, no matter how tragic. And so even the darkest of times, the lowest of lows, the most skinned of knees, have their value if you just open your mind to what they can and should reveal to you, and make that exerted effort to identify and properly deal with.
There is just something about life in the pain of thrashed knees… something so deeply beautiful in its potential, in its revealing of failure upon you, and in the pride and thrill of overcoming it. Don’t ever fall down without gleaning some sense of how to avoid a repeated occurrence.
And then sometimes it isn't even necessarily sadness, or any sort of tragedy, that brings you to your knees… sometimes it is simple awe and admiration, or any sort of overwhelming rush of emotions. Some bit of powerful news might have been delivered unexpectedly, or some intellectual pursuit may have at last been revealed to you in its full implicationsperhaps a profound realization, an epiphany so staggering to your understanding of the immensity of the universe around you strikes at your core and your legs surrender their proud stature in submission to the awesome might of the rational world.
I find this simple act so poetic. The beauty of existence and all of its complexities can often be overwhelming. It’s like a bow to the Earth, this primal gesture of submission, to nature itself, like saying “I understand that I am but the tiniest of all things in comparison.” Perhaps this is a subconscious way of dealing with the staggering, overwhelming rush of the intricacies in understanding the world all around you as this sensation brings to you a vision of your true place among all the factors of the Universe through a momentarily amplified sense of scale. As if such an acceptance forces an emotion of such humility that the only thing your body and mind can do to cope with it all is to collapse halfway to the Earth, where your weaknesses are the constructive opposites of your strengths and your mind can recollect itself as it takes it all in.
Once this effect has diminished enough for you to regain your senses, you hopefully have gained some sort of insight into yourself and into the importance of your place, and what led you to this circumstance. You may seem insignificant at times like these, but we (presumably) alone have the capacity to appreciate our existence in this way, and to truly make the best of it. Our potential for thought is limitless, as long as our mindset allows for it. Positivity is sorely underrated when it could be all we need to retain our former glory.
The strongest among us may not wear a crown. Those best suited to rise to a challenge may crumple under the pressure, while those you would never imagine to prove themselves so valiantly may seize the reins and achieve something absolutely, unimaginably incredible. No opportunity, nor any single person, should ever be discounted entirely. The most powerful gains sometimes occur when the stakes are at their most extreme… because there is always hope, no matter where you are or where you've been, no matter what you’ve done and what you intend… unless you yourself abandon it. So when you find yourself overcome with emotion, standing on the brink of a revelation powerful enough to shake you to your core, just let your knees fall to the Earth. Just let it happen. You may not even have the chance to consider this option, consumed in the moment, yet you will walk away in the end with a gain as powerful as you allow it to be.
Even the most capable among us must realize that we are practically powerless on a universal scale, unable to simply will the deepest workings of the universe to our desires. We must adapt to them. We cannot just hold out our hands and summon the cleansing rain we desire… but we can gaze into the horizon as the clouds inexorably roll in and fall to our knees as the refreshing waters inevitably wash over us… and in the brightness of the aftermath we can better ourselves to our wildest imaginations.

Posted by Unknown | at 5:53 PM | 0 comments

Mankind Belongs In Space



There was this awesome show that aired in late 2009 called Defying Gravity. In the show's opening scene the main character, Maddux Donner, reflects on his father's unpleasant opinion of space travel and of his son's involvement in it. His father sneeringly says "Space travel is a fool's game. Man is sixty percent water. They eat, sleep, defecate, can't follow directions, and explode like piñatas when exposed to the vacuum of space."  And while all of this may be true (though exposure to vacuum is not well documented, and theories run rampant), it suggests nothing of all the wonders and glories that are also involved. There is so much that mankind can bring into space, and not all of it is tangible or immediately obvious to the general public judging the practicality from their homes on the surface of Earth.

As far as we know, there is absolutely no life out there in space. By "space" I mean anything beyond the atmosphere of our lone planet, including the atmospheres of other planets (and moons, and protoplanets, and asteroids, and everything). There is nothing, no biology, no little creatures, no algae or bacteria or plant life, certainly no consciousness. As far as we know. For us, sitting here on the pedestal of our flourishing planet, evidence is everything (as it should be). Ignorance may be bliss, as we relish in the beliefs that we are truly and utterly privileged and unique, but knowledge is power, profound in its usefulness to further understand and truly demonstrate that our beliefs are in fact true, or able to be made more true. We will never ever know, fully and unquestionably, whether we truly are alone in the universe unless another intelligence makes itself known to us or we go and stumble upon it ourselves. And if this never happens, if we are never contacted and we never discover for ourselves another life form, we still won't truly know the answer, but we will be that much more positioned to glorify ourselves for our exceptional situation--because what is the difference, when all things that are demonstrably meaningful to us are considered, if we are not alone but will never have the opportunity to discover this, or are actually, truly, utterly unique in the vast expanses of the universe? In the face of any amount of accumulating lack of evidence, the answer cannot ever possibly be known. We can only ever feel more and more secure, perhaps prideful. But never certain. We can only get an answer by going out there and having the chance to find it.

What if there is, or was, life on Mars even, so near to us, scarce as it could turn out to be, which won't ever be discovered without a trained human eye having a look around? I often imagine a (fanciful, yes) scene where the astronauts step out of their landing vehicle on the surface of Mars, perhaps after touching down in one of the many vast craters. One of them walks over to the rim of the crater and begins chipping away with some hand tool or just overturning rocks right there on the surface. I can imagine them finding, as unlikely as it may be (but who knows) the fossilized remnants of life that was once active on the planet or, somehow, against all odds, something currently living. It's wild, but it's not impossible. It could be living, or had lived, right there, thriving within the sheltering rocks and sediments of the planet.

Finding actual active life would be so much more dramatic, of course. But a single fossil find would be no less in its implications. It would mean that life came about elsewhere, at some time. There are theories which present the possibility of either Earth or Mars "seeding" the other, or being "seeded" from the same outside source long ago. In this case there wouldn't necessarily have been independent spawning of life, given the same beginnings. However, the evolution over the eons would undoubtedly have taken very different paths, on such incredibly different worlds, and whatever forms of life this other turned out to be would provide extremely valuable, unprecedented knowledge--second only to truly unique, independent life forms. We would have unimaginably vast potential for insight and discovery through just one other example of life taking hold, whether it thrived or died out.

Pure scientific insight aside, the discovery would be incredible still. While there is a certain romance in the thought that life on Earth really is all there is, and that humans are the only true intelligence, the additional knowledge would be priceless and powerful. Whether the discovery would be nothing but ancient fossils, or simple microbial life, or complex life forms like our own, the full implications are certainly beyond my imagination. It is extremely difficult to imagine how one would react to something so meaningful. But I know that it would be astounding. The foundations of so many beliefs would be shaken to their cores, hopefully constructively. The world could never be the same again.

The argument that space exploration really is justifiable, but not by humans in the flesh, is certainly powerful. There are many dangers and concerns, including but not limited to those expressed by Donner's father at the opening of the series. Even if humans don't "explode like pinatas" in the vacuum of space, they certainly don't handle it well. And so many feel like remote robotic exploration is the only justifiable means by which to scout out the galactic neighborhood. This has its benefits, of course--primarily the lack of personal danger to any potential astronaut. But machines have their own unique shortcomings, for all the usefulness they may also provide.

Robots on the surface of a world, like there have been for many years, are so limited in what they can accomplish. They are limited to their design and initial programming, and perhaps whatever updates may be applied over time. They have some amount of "thinking" they are capable of, to deal with some situations they may be faced with. But they can only deal with what their designers had the foresight to allow for, and maybe some sort of limited "situation analysis." But this is all very strict, very short-sighted in the scope of all that may occur out there so many millions of miles away. They can't reason like a person, a certain remarkable glint in the corner of their vision won't catch their own attention and lead them over. Their controllers may notice an anomaly in their surroundings when they eventually receive and filter through the data transmitted back, but not the machine itself. They certainly won't have that certain feeling in their gut pointing them to what could lead to an unexpected discovery or an avoidance of disaster. They are machines, in the end, and can only act as machines no matter how much data manipulation is programmed into their design.

Even the newest machine that is being built to better explore the surface of Mars, NASA's Curiosity rover,  is not fully equipped to detect the presence of life (although it is being designed to analyze various components of the soil and atmosphere and can determine potential "habitability"). At best, as I understand things, positive results will hint at the effects of biological activity (but still a very strong indication that is has been, or even could still be, inhabited). But a human could conceivably find unquestionable evidence on the very first day of exploration. Still quite a stretch, but enormously more likely than a remotely controlled machine doing so. A human could look around, apply critical thinking, rationalize a good spot to start chipping away, and happen upon one of the greatest discoveries of all time--all without having to wait on instructions to travel the space between the two worlds, and without the bickering of engineers and operators debating on the specific actions to employ at each step of the mission. The speed of light becomes quite a burden when handling communications between people/machines many millions of miles separated.

None of this is to say that the machines are not a valuable tool in space exploration. Some jobs really are much better suited for unmanned spacecraft. Flyby photography, atmosphere analysis and surface mapping of worlds, among many others, are all probably much better suited for machines. This sort of technical thing can be very accurately, and much more cheaply, achieved without human presence and the dangers involved. I think both will always be crucial. But I think we need to think long and hard about the benefits, and the consequences, of a stronger human presence in space. There is certainly plenty of potential for humans in space that machines simply cannot provide. I think the most important of these is our consciousness, our ability to think, reason and appreciate, and to adapt spontaneously to unforeseen circumstances. Adaptation is an extremely useful thing, especially in such dangerous and inexperienced terrain.

I often hear opposition to the danger to human lives in manned spaceflight. Of course there have been various tragedies over the years, witnessed by countless people. And these people who were lost had family and friends, and of course the rest of their potential lives ahead of them. I will never mean to downplay the loss that occurred at each of these disasters. But they knew the risks they were involved with. They must have come to terms with the possibility of disaster. They must have felt that the possibilities were more worthwhile. There must be a great number of people who will always be willing to take the risk. I myself am one… I can only imagine how many others would be even more devoted if given the chance. There are risks involved in everything--some much greater than others, of course, and some much more rewarding. The rewards often outrank the risks, or else there would be no challengers so willing to give their devotions to any task.

When humanity was first designing the ships that they would sail across the seas and oceans, were they not faced with a similar predicament? From the smallest, simplest raft to the grandest cruiser there has been progress in design, construction, efficiency, and our understanding of how to master the art of them. I am sure it was not an easy road through the years. How expensive must it have been for the first large-scale ships to be designed, built, populated and set to sea? How much risk was put on each life while the skills involved were still being refined? How many ships, whether full of people or not, were met with disaster? How many people were making similar arguments of the dangers of sea travel and the uselessness of what would be found on the other side of the ocean (if anything)?

Of course caution is always a very good idea. Careful consideration should always be applied to unfamiliar terrain. But what would have happened if we had all but dropped the exploration of the oceans in the face of such concerns? Perhaps most of the planet would have still become populated, eventually, but certainly much more slowly and with much more difficulty. Wouldn't maps have been much less accurate? Our understanding of geology much more hindered and incomplete? And each civilization left largely on their own for much longer periods of time? Maybe some would even argue that this would have been better. I wholeheartedly disagree.

Just as most people would probably agree that a world without ocean travel, or air travel, is almost incomprehensible in sustaining the resources and communication and trading habits of today, so a generation of the future might find it unimaginable that space travel was once not a commonplace, fruitful endeavor. As our planet's resources and available land dwindle, the potential that off-world settlements offer seems more and more like a useful possibility. Confined here on this lone planet of all the vast reaches of space, mankind has only the limited resources and surface area provided with which to sustain itself. It might only take a single catastrophe, brought upon ourselves or delivered by the inexorable movements of the mighty celestial bodies, to wipe us and all we've ever known completely out of existence.

We bring opportunity into space. We bring hope into space. We bring consciousness into space. We bring awe, reverence, and understanding to things that would otherwise never have a set of probing eyes fall on them. Virtually every rock on every world in the solar system is being illuminated by the sun every single (relative) day, but unless we bring ourselves to them it's almost as if they don't exist. They certainly won't ever be of any significance otherwise. They just sit there, undisturbed, unobserved. The microbes that could be squirming around somewhere out there, providing us with potentially one of the most significant discoveries imaginable, won't ever make their presence known to us. We must go out there and find them ourselves. And even if we find nothing biological--not a single trace of life that ever lived outside Earth, in decades or centuries of meticulous exploration--then we will be that much more reaffirmed in the significance of our own existences. Life will be demonstrably that much more precious! It's a win-win, for us. We either find something or we don't, but either way we learn. We understand our place in the universe more deeply. We gain respect for life either because it's resilient and adaptable enough to have come about elsewhere, or because our position is so apparently unique that we have this priceless opportunity to relish for ourselves.

As Maddux Donner so beautifully says at the end of Defying Gravity's first episode, after much consideration of his father's harsh words:

"My old man is right, about every single item except the initial premise. Man(kind) belongs in space, because of exactly what he brings into the void."

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