The Fragile Eggs of Companionship
I've had the sinking
feeling, at times, that I've put too many precious eggs in too few welcoming
baskets. And at times I’ve been afraid that some of them, some of the most carefully
and deeply invested eggs, have been casually dismissed…neglected…tossed
around…even stomped on, crushed and obliterated, whether intentionally or not.
And when this happens, what else is there to do but pick up the pieces, these
shattered remnants of what had been a blossoming interpersonal relationship,
and try another approach? I’m not one to just turn my back and walk away, because
there must have been a good reason
why I had been compelled to invest so deeply. Some combination of factors had
made it worth it, had made it seem
reciprocated in kind, and I want to put all effort into at the very least reevaluating and redistributing
these factors so that something, if not all of it, can still remain between us.
Sometimes this was just a casual friendship, sometimes a much more enduring
one, once it was even an intimate one. As it turns out, obviously enough, the
magnitude of the resulting damage is in this same order.
Interestingly,
it's not those who blatantly stomp on the eggs who inflict the most pain. In
this way it's quick and made very clear, at least, despite the violence,
despite the pain. No, rather, it's the more casual, slow-going dismissals that
are particularly difficult to make sense of and deal with—when you don't
realize the damage that has been accumulating, that mess slowly growing in the
bottom of that particular basket, oozing and spreading over any other
still-healthy eggs. It slowly infects the entire scope of the relationship, so
gradually that it goes almost entirely unnoticed until one day you open your
eyes and all of the damage, all of the shattered broken mess, is laid bare.
My first
instinct upon realization is to gather them up, all of these eggs I've
distributed, all of the ones still healthy and functioning at least and, after
cleaning up the messes of those that didn’t endure, encase them in something hopefully
impenetrable like diamond, or adamantium. Protect them, these fragile
investments of mine, so as not to let any possibility remain of such abuse and
hardship. Then, once properly armored, maybe give a few of them back (just a
few!) to each connection of mine, enough to at least enjoy a nice friendship, and
keep the rest of them locked safely away inside an unbreakable vault to deny
any access.
But what good
would that do? Sure they'd be safe inside the confines of their hardened shells,
but life would then be almost unbearably dull and lonely. Because what at first
seems better and more comforting, to carefully reinvest the new batch and take in
the comfort of knowing they will be safe in their armored shells, is actually
its own separate kind of trap; the comfort would be short-lived. The
relationships they symbolize would now be unchanging by definition, perhaps
even more destined to fade because of
this. Because again, a gradually fading, casually dismissed investment is
much more damaging in the end, being unchanging in this decline, than one that
can be addressed and modified accordingly.
The
deeply-rooted trouble here is that addressing the complications of any
relationship requires the willful cooperation of all parties involved. So your friend, or your partner, must also desire to make amends together with you. I believe this is the
supreme difficulty we all face in our relations, why it sometimes seems so
difficult to connect with those we hold so dear. They must also realize that
there is something which needs addressing, that there is perhaps not enough
cushioning for those ever-fragile eggs you are incubating together. This is the
case with even the most casual of friendships, and I assert that this is the
primary cause of most, if not all, damaged relations of all kinds.
I think, then,
of all the potential, all the as yet unrealized beauty that these priceless, fragile
little eggs can bring me and others, the fullness that will otherwise be
hopelessly lacking among all relations. Whether this is a “standard” friendship,
even if maybe one of those incredibly fun ones that are destined to dwindle
somewhat in time (but on good terms), maybe even one of those exceptionally
real, dependable, everlasting ones that you can rely on until the bitter end of
time, or maybe, just maybe, a romance, the truest most beautiful fairy tale
come to reality, it doesn’t alter this fundamental idea of cooperation and
mutual effort and consideration.
And sometimes a
little nudge is all another person needs to realize a shortcoming on their
part; for this reason it is always important to keep up your own efforts. I’ve
noticed a lot of people tend to sit themselves on the sidelines and insist that
the other person is the one who needs
to come out and say or do something, but the danger here is that if everyone
involved is under the same impression, nothing
is going to happen. Somebody has to begin the effort! But I, or anyone,
cannot bring out this potential alone. It is, as uncomfortable as the
realization makes me, entirely dependent
on others. This has to be done carefully; it can't be forced, or pressured,
or otherwise coerced without jeopardizing the very thing being attempted to
develop.
No, the eggs
need to be able to grow, to hatch and blossom, on their own time. If we want
any chance of a meaningful relationship (any kind, friendly or romantic), the
eggs need to exist in all their full fragile glory. For when you are entrusted
with these eggs you are their incubator, their basket. You need to understand the
responsibilities you have been trusted with. Understand that they need love,
patience, and understanding—all that you can muster, to the absolute best of
your ability. They will thrive and reward you beyond the wildest dreams
imaginable. Nothing else in the world can provide this like a truly
understanding, mutual relation can.
I can't help
but wonder what things would be like if people, with all their feelings and
emotions, could be reliably fit somehow into a calculation. A set of
calculations can triangulate the position of a tiny rock, or spacecraft,
hurtling through space to incredible accuracy. This can be very, very useful,
for obvious reasons. That the factors involved are even able to be recognized
and predicted make all the difference. The same goes for many, many things in
our lives. But such a strategy is all but useless with a person's feelings. Sure,
there must be people who have developed an uncanny skill in reading people, and
maybe can make startlingly accurate predictions about others and how to go
about building whatever depth of relation is most achievable between them. But
I don't think there is the slightest chance of such a practice being even
remotely reliable on a large meaningful scale, or across a meaningful timeline,
by most people. The depth of each person's mind is an unimaginably complex
place, and I find it somewhat… frightening, to be honest, but ruthlessly fascinating. Maybe it's a
wonder anyone gets along at all, let alone bond like so many lifelong
friendships have or especially truly fall in love. These precious eggs we are
always entrusting into each other represent so much of what is so advantageous
to us as human beings, able to form these sorts of bonds among each other and
face the wild complexities of the world together.
And so absolutely
any connection is meaningful and important beyond any combinations of words,
and is worthy of every bit of care and consideration possible. It's just not
worth missing out on because of what may very well be petty differences
exaggerated by stubbornness from one or both sides. That person you met one
time, who said something weird and you never talked to them again, could have
been the most beloved friend or companion you could possibly have hoped to have.
That person who you used to be good friends with, and who never seems to call
or want to hang out anymore and you don't feel like you should have to
"put all the effort in," could also be the most beloved friend or
companion you could possibly have. One extra little egg entrusted to them could
have made all the difference. You don’t know unless you’ve put forth all of
your effort deemed worthy for their cause, and carefully but graciously
invested upon them a portion of your own collection of priceless eggs for
incubation.
Whatever the
case, the nourishment of these eggs needs cooperation and uncompromising
honesty. For the love of all things, please let’s communicate with each other. Effectively! It's stunning how often
this gets in the way, this simple lack of communication, needlessly
complicating things or destroying them altogether. When there are differences
between two people, embrace them! Differences can help us learn together, see
things from entirely separate vantage points, like nothing else can. And when
there are similarities between people, embrace them as well! Similarities can
help us reinforce our own drives and interests because we find comfort when
other people have developed them similarly yet independently.
If you feel
even the slightest shred of feeling for a person, even the tiniest bit of
compassion for another, don't completely give up on them when things might have
grown awkward or distant. And if someone, no matter how dear to you they are,
wishes for you to lose touch with others (or if you realize that this is
happening of its own accord), please consider this long and hard. There is
probably more at stake than you realize. I submit that it is absolutely not
worth it in the end if a newly found loved one imposes upon you to spend less
time, or no time at all, with your previously held group of friends. I do not
believe that one single romantic relationship can outshine a handful of
long-held friendly ones… yet I see this time and time again and is, ultimately,
one of the primary driving factors built into this writing.
Because it
hurts, because there is no reason why a person can’t retain all prior
friendships, even if somewhat less devotedly, after entering into a romantic
one. That romance should be built into
the already existing web of connections without drastically altering its
structure. Otherwise one is going to come across as if those friendships were
only mere placeholders for the one actual
relation that was being sought after all along. And I don’t believe that
anyone actually goes about their lives that way, but many seem to tend to react
in such a way as if this is somehow what is “meant” to happen. I worry
sometimes that societal factors have built into many peoples’ minds that that
one true love romance-turned-marriage is the prime objective and all else is
secondary if not spread out to the sidelines altogether. But no, with every bit
of stress that I can place on a single sentence, this is not how our ongoing relationships need to play out. All of
these precious eggs that have been devoted in such an interweaving mesh of
interconnections have had so much care, consideration, and time built into
their foundations that unimaginable havoc is bound to be wreaked upon them
under such circumstances, havoc probably not even realized inside the blissful
mind of the romanced party.
This isn’t
always the case, of course, and I applaud all of those who manage to maintain
the best combinations of relations possible. In my own experience, however,
this is not often the case, and it troubles me more deeply than most things
witnessed so far in my time. And I always try to tell myself that it’s merely a
phase, an understandable phase where hormones and emotions run rampant, but in
truth this doesn’t comfort me much because I know that by the time those
emotions have settled, and someone begins to desire those friendly relations
once again, they may be long gone after having moved on themselves, having
exhausted their own efforts to keep that basket warm and nourishing.
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