By the Sheer Force of My Will

(August 8th, 2011; revised April 1, 2012)



I just want to grab some people and shake them with a perfect blend of vigor, urgency and compassion and say “Listen to me; it doesn't have to be like this. You can have what you want. For that matter, you can know what you want. You can seek it and obtain it. You can establish a plan of action and you can implement this plan. You can make it this way. You can make yourself how you want to be. You can surround yourself with people who appreciate and complement you and bring out such traits ever-further. You can even work together with these people for some of the goals you share. You have more influence than you know!” And because they probably won’t genuinely take this gesture to heart, I wish I could transport some of my will somehow across the space between our minds and help them in the ways that I know they can be helped. If only they would open up the door, or at least unbolt it.

But I have only so much influence on another person by the sheer force of my own will, as powerful as this is. Someone needs only to be willing to pursue similar wavelengths to open potential’s door to infinity—but it takes two… and I am (as everyone is) only one. Yet every time I close my eyes she behaves exactly how I wish she would and we are doing together precisely what I believe we should. I at least have this power. This power can make so much difference within the fantasies of hopes and dreams, but means next to nothing in reality if the other does not reciprocate in some way. And so if I’m sitting out on my back porch, enjoying my own company, then the act of closing my eyes and spreading my mind’s wings brings as much hopeful thought as I could possibly care to allow. And this ability we all have is so truly incredible, and I cherish this ability with every fiber of my being. In imagination you can have absolutely whatever you want. But it doesn’t bring anything tangible, as only another person can. It doesn’t help to actually bring this person forth and willing to share their undivided attention with you. And so again it comes down to the incredible depths of the communications between two people who are each dealing with the wild complexities of their lives and their own minds and pursuits therein. But an overlap of pursuits holds immeasurable potential if only two people can merge their devotions in such a way to hunt it down together. And there is absolutely every possibility for this to be real, the wildest dreams realized, a fairy tale incarnate, even in the most apparently troubling cases. 


But she hesitates… they hesitate, even best friends hesitate, forever hesitating, so often seeming too reluctant to make just that little bit more of a connection which could bridge whatever gaps are keeping each other from enjoying some goal both know the other shares. And so I’ve been left for so long in this awkward position, trying to gauge what’s real among all of these connections I hold so dear and what is only a figment of my own wild imagination. 


I wonder endlessly what is it really that holds a person back from pursuing the most promising of pursuits? Of course there are potentially many, many legitimate reasons for this. But what are these reasons in each specific case? Are they really so severe to just shy away from anything more meaningful than the barest, most shallow sharing? I think in most of these cases they are unnecessarily extreme feelings of reservation, considering all the beauty that is there for the sharing and all the people that have every reason to provide for you (and for themselves) this everlasting connection. I am of course pointing at both romantic interests and friendly interests. Although the former is generally much more dramatic of a case, they really do share almost every sense of this idea. Just as romantic partners need to connect and share their thoughts and their interests and their devotions to each other, so do friends. Interests still need to be shared, devotions still need to be expressed. Their context is different, of course, but don’t let the connections slip away because what you think is a true friendship needs no maintenance.

Not everybody is out to hurt you. In fact, I would argue with anybody that the number of people that are likely out to hurt you is a miniscule fraction of what seems apparent on the surface. And among those people who have really hurt another, surely only a small fraction of them actually set out with the intention to do so. The vast majority of cases are probably unfortunate circumstances, perhaps even fallout resulting from the disasters of the very mindsets I’m trying to disclaim. Despite any number of emotionally abusive experiences somebody might have been through, this in no way speaks for everybody else. It only speaks for those specific cases. And while such an assortment of terrible experiences certainly does need to provide you with some degree of logic, and reason, and an understanding of the factors that played out in this way (most importantly so that you can recognize them sooner next time), they do not condemn every other human being on the face of the planet to inherently behave in the same manner. And this is where attitude, experience, and judge of character most importantly come into play. You want to avoid the oh-so-loathsome jerks as early as possible, of course, but you also need to be able to recognize a genuine, heartfelt interest if it happens to wander by. And so your standards need to be suited to the best combinations that you feel are worth your time pursuing. Caution is extremely important! But the general ratio between reservation and willingness is woefully lopsided in most of the cases I’ve seen.

Richard Marx sings this idea rather beautifully in his song “Loved” when he says “What good is being strong and hiding in some harbor if you and I end up all alone?” Being “strong” is a useful safety mechanism, for sure, but it should not be so extreme that nobody can ever truly get through to you. At another point in the song he sings “The two of us, we’re really children hiding underneath the armor that we wear.” And we are all children, in the sense that we have these base instincts, these ingrained desires to find those true romances and those deepest friendships. And what keeps us from them, so often, is this armor that we all construct over ourselves as we mature, perhaps usually either in response to an emotional tragedy or in anticipation of one. It can be so easy to let this coating of armor get out of hand and ultimately end up keeping everybody at such a distance that they can’t genuinely make a deep connection with you. Then you’ve traded one extreme for the other, because while it’s true that when nobody can get close to you nobody can hurt you so deeply, it’s also true that you will no longer enjoy such rewarding relationships.

It is so frustrating to be, in essence, paying for the mistakes of so many others in the past. This is what it feels like when, time after time, a person ultimately decides against any further pursuit out of the fear of a repeated occurrence from their own history. And I try my best to understand… I truly do, but my understanding can only go so far when I am standing here with my arms and my heart and my mind held so wide open and I’ve advanced as far as I can on my own terms alone. When I am utterly and completely ready to take a risk and take hold of what seems so ready and real and so full to bursting with potential, then it’s all clear as day to me. It’s time to make something more of this highest of possible beauties right here in front of us. But no amount of the most genuine showcases of deeply felt and deeply longed-for emotions and desires that a person is absolutely ready and willing to confide in and with another can truly convince them if they are, in the end, just not willing to give up the time of day. The sheer force of will is only going to ricochet off of a mind completely closed to a new idea. In this case it’s just not enough… and it can never be enough as long as this remains the case. It is a futile endeavor, has always been and will always be, whether or not you realize this is the case. What good is your puny willpower against the awesome might of a powerfully sheltered mind?

I want to cut her chains. I want to set her free from her fears and her constant hesitation. And it’s not just for the end result of romantic companionship… no, I genuinely want to help rid her of this, these fears and reservations and hesitations, even if I am not the object of her wildest dreams come true (as nice as that would be)… because I know that it’s unnecessary, this hesitant mind-set. I know that she’d willingly appreciate more if she willingly believed that such a thing was still possible. I know that this would benefit her at least as much as it would benefit me. And I have my laser chain cutter, right here in my hand, charged up and prepared, all set to go. I am ready and willing to do this. But I have to be able to get close enough to her, for it is only effective at so much range. Willpower alone can do nothing to free her. I need access to her.

When there is a rift between two people, a gaping chasm separating them by some daunting distance, then no amount of sheer willpower—although within one’s mind this is all they need—will close this gap and bring them into each other’s arms. They need to actually act, together, to bridge their interests and desires. One alone is not ever going to be enough to do this; at the very least the other needs only to stand at the bitter edge to accept the final pieces of this bridge and plant them securely into the ground. Even if I am entirely willing to put every last bit of effort into this on my own, I still need that welcoming gesture on the other side. That open invitation is the most crucial piece of all. In the absence of even this small effort the poor person fighting so hard to construct a bridge into the other’s mind is going to fall every single time without a suitable foundation to latch on to.

And I understand (some of) the reservations. I understand that there is a fear of not having found the “right one” whether or not you think you may have found it at the time—because, well, there is always, in all likelihood, going to be someone who comes around eventually who is seemingly (on the surface) “better” than your current “investment”. It’s wildly unrealistic to ever think that you have found the absolute best possible person to share your life with. Although I respect the idea of a “soul mate” as far as the devotion and appreciation invoked are concerned, I do not believe that this concept is actually true—because you will never know! But there is a critical factor to consider here, which is that no matter how promising a passing interest (or even a somewhat-well-known interest) appears to be to you, outside your current devotion, this might all be an illusion. In all likelihood, they appear more “attractive” than they actually will be if you were to run off together for more than a single night. The “game,” in such cases, most of the time, changes drastically once it’s no longer a “game” to those involved—when one or both people want a long-lasting companionship. This is one of the most fundamental necessities, I think, for two people to genuinely appreciate what they share—that, even when another potential interest comes along, the risks of giving up what has proven itself to be a worthwhile and beautiful romantic (or friendly!) connection do not outweigh the risks of dropping it all for the chance of this spontaneous spark. Assuming that a partnership has its share of “good” and “bad,” (more good than bad, hopefully) then the effort put toward reinvigorating this current companionship should be far more advantageous than the effort put toward dropping it and actually successfully developing and maintaining a “better” one based on some random fling and its subsequent rush of emotions.

Personally, I don’t care much about “evolutionary advantage” or any other such nonsense that some (even respectable) proponents like to go on about. I understand the concepts. I understand (though I have disagreements) that a man is “evolutionally advantageous” by “sleeping around” with any number of women—if only because his genes pass on, and (assuming a heartless fling) he is not assumed to be responsible to any major degree. Whether any number of us owe our existence to such a mind-set of the past, we do not live in a foraging society anymore… at least as far as “we” refers to the people that I know and who might ever read this. I think much of the argument is lost on modern society, by the very values which we’ve established as most treasured and sought-after in response to this ever-changing world. Both parties benefit, in the long run (and especially when a family is introduced into the equation, whether in reality or as a mutual desire), by sticking together; through thick and thin, for better or worse. Emotions run rampant all over the place, and I have difficulty imagining that this was ever not the case. But of course I don’t know—I didn’t live in the distant past. I am biased by today’s society, where I feel so strongly that all troubles can be conquered with the right amounts of efforts from all parties involved. And this applies until one party really has lost the majority of this connection for some tragic reason. But, although this really does happen sometimes, one should think long and hard about what this decision entails, if they really do feel like this is truly the case. It very well might be the case, unfortunately, but this should be one of the very last resorts. It is oftentimes one-sided, this decision—and the sheer force of the “victim’s” will is powerless to overturn this decision once the other has already crossed over into hopelessness and abandon.

As the complexities of our minds grow and evolve, so do our depths of feelings and the capacities in which we share and indulge them. Maybe it’s true that monogamy is vastly more suited to women, if only (but not entirely) for their child-bearing responsibilities, but this in no way proscribes gentlemen to behave oppositely—because a woman (and especially a woman and child) benefits immensely by a genuine, trustworthy, dedicated man. And this is what is frustrating more than anything else—that the men least clearly suited to provide this assistance and true commitment are the ones—sometimes—seemingly most sought after. Despite all of my efforts and concentration to understand it, this apparent trend simply baffles me. But because the attraction is perhaps so rooted in evolutionary biology, there is only so much I can do to influence others onto the “right” path and only so much judgment I can place on those who have perhaps very little control over their subconscious drives. Again, willpower on its own does not induce the changes necessary to prove that this total commitment is the “right path” on which to march onward. Nevertheless, it is endlessly frustrating and it doesn’t need to be this way.

She (or anyone else) only needs to step off her throne long enough to open up a door, or a window, or… something. But it’s not going to happen, this time. If it ever might have been a real possibility then that time came and went, at some point I was utterly clueless of. I realize this now. And I realize that I should have realized this long ago. But it took an incredible blow to rattle my senses back to right, and that blow is still resonating in my core.

Because when I’ve raised myself up so high, and have brought this person up with me the whole way, over so long a time period with all this hope and determination and goodwill and the feelings I’ve been solidifying all the while, only to eventually realize that the other person has in reality stayed chained and rooted to the ground the whole time… it’s a truly staggering blow. I am struck by the realization that I carried this person up with me to such incredible, hopeful heights with nothing more than the sheer force of my will—which of course holds no actual power over the harshness of reality. I cannot will another to share this with me when they were never actually even there, no matter how deeply I had convinced myself otherwise. Their presence was only an intense illusion created by the very feelings I felt so deeply and truly believed that they were accepting all along. At this point all that I’ve built up below me, full of my cherished hopes and dreams, cannot withstand the force of the realization of this falseness. The pillar shatters at its foundations, and it all crumbles down, and I am helpless but to fall with the jagged pieces.

Falling is fatal from such height. And I’ve been falling for a while, now; such was the effort that I had invested. The crater I’d make if I fell all the way to the ground would be devastating from all this distance I’ve been tumbling through. It would probably destroy the vast majority of my hope’s potential, and I would perhaps become one of these very people who seem doomed to perpetually hesitate at the sight of potential’s inviting doorway—so obviously entranced by the glimpse of such beauty on the other side but forever unwilling to sacrifice for it, to take anything more than even the smallest forward step. And this frightens me more than almost anything else, because clearly I have such a deep appreciation for the way things should be, for the way that people can relate and embrace each other and each other’s deepest qualities. But that is not going to happen. Although the structure I built up in this pursuit was destroyed, the blueprint still originates within me, and these fundamental beliefs that are the building blocks of a friendly or a romantic interest have not been damaged so much that they are also destroyed. They just need to be retouched a little bit, revised so that I can spot this illusion if it ever creeps up again before I’ve set myself up to fail so crushingly. And so as soon as I reacquire my senses I will stretch out my wings at long last well before I reach the bottom. I’ll make my way back over to some peaceful, inviting, safer waters, where I can remain secure for a time until I feel like I can better judge the true character of the object of the next pursuit. I am ready for this to take as long as is necessary to actually succeed next time. And so for now I just need my very own wings to save me, because at the end of any deep thought process one must realize that this is all they can truly count on.

I am ready to fly. In fact, I can feel these magnificent wings beginning to unfurl at this very moment.

Posted by Unknown | at 1:47 AM | 0 comments

The Beauty in Sorrow


 
Do you ever put on a sad song or a sad movie, or get out some old pictures, or watch some old videos, or just sit and reminisce, with the deliberate attempt to feel a certain way? A certain bit of a coordinated sense of longing, or sorrow? Perhaps you’re not quite sure exactly what you want to feel, but you know you want to feel something powerful. Maybe you've just been through some tragic ordeal and you need to relate with something, or maybe you're falling into old memories of long-lost times, just tragically misplaced in this crazy world we inhabit and you merely want to bask in the familiarity that these memories can bring back to the surface. Or maybe you're not even sad at all but just want to enjoy the depths of the emotions on display in these acts. You might just be a little bit lonely and simply want to identify with something you can feel deep inside your core. I, for one, can relate to each of these and I don’t doubt that any reader can as well. Sorrow is one of those things that you can always rely on to fill you with emotions so powerful because your own interpretations of a thing define how much impact it has, and this can be a wonderfully beautiful thing if your will is powerful enough to utilize it toward some gain.

There are of course a vast many causes for one to be sad, ranging from the loss of a dear friend or pet or family member to a tragic breakup or distant memories of some cherished good times…the possibilities extend endlessly in between and on either side of the broad scope of what usually brings us to this place where sorrow broods solitude. They all have their own varying degrees of severity, of duration and depth, but they are all similar in that they belong to the same sort of "family" or class of emotions. They all invoke whatever longing emotions you have attached to them, amplified to whatever extremes by whatever severity they originate from through your personal experiences and the weight of consideration you’ve placed upon them. Sometimes you just want that intensity. It puts you in a particular realm of thought, emotionally, where you can then look upon everything else from a certain unique vantage point that doesn’t exist in the normal routine mindsets that generally occupy your thoughts. And from such a vantage point you can appreciate whatever brought you there so much more deeply, so much more wholeheartedly, even if only in retrospect in order to avoid a recurrence of whatever the source is. This is definitely valuable, but there is so much more to be enjoyed if you have the proper mindset. By no means does such an emotional state have to be entirely a bad thing.

There is a deep-rooted beauty in the musings of sorrow. I've always thought this was a bit strange, a little counterintuitive somehow, although I've felt and appreciated such emotions for as long as I can remember. Positivity buried inside the negative manifests a certain kind of hope and admiration of life. Even when I was a little guy, as early as eight or nine, developing my tastes for my very first “favorite songs,” they tended to be sad ones. And I know now that I didn’t actually even truly understand the depths and the meanings of the songs I adored—I had of course never truly loved, or lost,  friendly or romantically, or been otherwise emotionally damaged or esteemed… but I adored them anyway, even if I was singing along with lyrics I could not possibly comprehend. Looking back, I’m sure that one of the primary reasons was for the certain quality of the vocals in such songs. I had already discovered a love for the emotional display of a singer singing a sad song. There’s something in the voice, in the finest among this class of music, which stands apart, especially when the singer seems to be particularly passionate about the song. A raw display of emotion and the unashamed willingness to express it to anybody who cares to listen has this immensely deep beauty which I cannot help but admire and empathize with. I still remember holding my little cassette recorder up to my alarm clock/radio before I was even a decade old and recording songs I liked when they happened to play on the radio. This was my introduction to the concept of creating playlists like I still spend so much time doing today. The tradition has remained, evolving along with the technology involved. I still listen to some of those very first songs, some fifteen years later. Some of them I even now understand and relate to on a personal level, which has only helped to enhance their values.

At first the idea seems a bit counterintuitive, of sadness being a desirable emotion to seek out, because I think sadness is generally (and not necessarily for bad reasons) considered to be an undesirable one. But with the proper considerations you can escape from this gravity well of negativity that seems to pull so many far beyond any enjoyable level. I've become a lot more comfortable with this over the years, and I've found that if you look a little deeper there are some undeniable and incredible benefits as long as your mindset is sound and effective enough to realize them. There is so much raw, unfiltered beauty down there in the depths of sorrow, just laid bare for you to see and identify with and perhaps even reconcile.

From such a mindset you have the most potential to gain—at your will, of course. It is of utmost importance that you don't just sit and wallow in the sorrow. This is where the generic unfavorable viewpoint from most people comes from, I think. It seems to be a cliché that sorrow brings further sorrow, and nothing else. As if it’s an endlessly spiraling descent into hopeless despair with no personal value until you manage to halt your fall and haul yourself back up without ever looking back down. But it doesn’t necessarily need to be this way, because this vantage point from the depths of your mindset is where everything else looks most beautiful. When you've sunk to some level, everything that is now above you looks so much better in its new light. This is perhaps the easiest gain to get out of all this: the appreciation of something that you once took for granted, now that you’re gazing longingly up at it. Maybe you will get it back, and maybe you won’t, and maybe you never actually lost it. Whatever the case you will have a better, hopefully more appreciative understanding of it, and how to hold on to it or how you might have lost it and how you might reacquire it.

Basking in this state of emotions, down there in the lonely pits of your mind, what once was dull and uninterestingly familiar now appears so beautiful up there above you… and what once was already beautiful now looks even more beautiful. And even what once looked dark and fearsome down there underneath you now looks merely dull and familiar once you’re staring it in the face. In other words, everything just got better, at the cost of your relative position. I think this is the critical thing to consider. You have to be able to accept this realization that you are in a “lower” place now, but from this lowering you have a heightened potential to appreciate. And you should make the fullest possible use of this opportunity. You can grant yourself access to appreciations otherwise overlooked in your day-to-day routine. They are always there; they are always in your grasp… but understandably, they get lost in the daily motions of a busy life. And so this is why I feel like some time occasionally set aside to focus on such emotions is such a valuable pursuit. Put together a playlist of the deepest and most heartfelt of the more emotional songs in your collection, or some touching movies or books or poems and when you find yourself with some downtime get them out and just enjoy relishing in the gloriously beautiful displays of affection and feelings that these artists are pouring their hearts out over. They don’t want you to feel miserable; they want you to have something to connect with and share with you. They want you to be comforted by the idea that so many other people have felt very similar feelings, and they can be shared with the world in all their sorrowful glory. And they can be overcome.

It’s a rather generic saying that you should not “dwell on the past.” And while there is definitely some value to this, there is also some value to doing just that. It’s the ratio between considerations of the past, present and future that really matter—because the past happened. And this past, utterly unique to you, influenced you and your present state of being in the most profound and intricate ways imaginable. Be it good or bad, everything that you’ve ever been through is valuable to your collective experiences of life. A hopeful future is much more solidified if you have the gains from your past miseries (and successes, of course) to build from. If you can spend some time considering some past event, and its consequences on later events and on your own present mindset, then you should be able to glean some sort of insight into something deeply meaningful. Good memories, whether or not you are in a comparatively “good” situation at the moment, should bring you happiness. But if your present state is a particularly troublesome one, then such goodness might be in conflict with a powerful sense of longing and threaten to pull you down even farther. This is normal, though, up to a reasonable level, and is combatable with a strong will. Understand where the line between what is not able to be influenced (but has every possibility of providing insight) and what you actually have control over (the present and future) is. In this way all of your musings can be constructive.

And even if your present state is actually a particularly good one then you will probably experience some sense of longing anyway when you let such emotions flow. Your first-hand knowledge of the outcomes of even the most tragic memories helps to paint them in a positive light. Nostalgia doesn’t differentiate much with “good” or “bad” (at least in my experience); it merely reflects on past events that you miss simply because they are gone. There are always ways to appreciate memories, if you care to seek them out. You just need to know what you’re doing, know what you intend to gain from this pursuit, and how you can relate it to the present day. Don’t see it as “dwelling” in its negative sense, but see it as dwelling positively by evaluating and cherishing and learning. In this way, effectively executed, you can’t go wrong because you can only gain and benefit. Because you are still alive today you have survived whatever experiences of your past you remember to be so troublesome, and they now offer so much potential in analysis.

But putting aside the potential to evaluate and learn and improve, both the deepest and highest beauties still remain. Because at the bare root of it all, emotions on display are beautiful because they are laid bare. How often have you refrained from telling somebody something because you were uncomfortable with putting yourself so far out on the limb? It can be a terrifying thing… and so the courage to do so is beautiful in itself. Emotional songs (as well as other media) are so successful because, to a degree, we all feel the same things. Our minds aren’t so very different. They are shaped by experiences so unique to us that I think this consideration of species-wide similarity is easy to overlook. But it is so powerful a thing, to realize the similarities that exist between all of us despite utterly unique sets of experiences personally. On a fundamental level we are all so much alike, despite vast differences in appearances and habits and experiences. If you are feeling something, deep in your core, rooted to yourself so deeply that you can hardly imagine anyone else feeling the same way, there must be countless others who feel something so similar that the self-righteous comparison is almost trivial. You can find a connection to relate with, if you are willing to genuinely try. Even your next-door neighbor you might not have ever spoken to most likely has depths of feelings more than enough to form a powerful bond with.

This is beauty in its highest regard. The miniscule differences that separate each of us, genetically, and yet make up individuals so unique, yet at the same time so familiar to each other in the grand scheme of things, is absolutely incredible! My mind is so boggled by my thoughts of such things, and how privileged a position each of us is in. I oftentimes find myself so troubled by the unwillingness of people to share their deeper thoughts and feelings with one another, or even with themselves, and yet at the same time I find myself so amazed and prideful at the humble display of so many others who are eager to share with others. There is definitely a rift between the two extremes. We, as humans, are the only beings who can understand each other on anywhere near this level. And so every single possible connection is priceless—there should not be any reason to give it up entirely. But the very attributes that set us apart from every single other species also give us the capacity and the “reasons” to fear and avoid such interactions. This is understandable, of course, in its own right, as I am certainly one who fits into this unfortunate pattern at times. Some people just do not present themselves as approachable at this level, for whatever reasons, in which case there is only so much you can do. But I am always trying my hardest to fight it. And I want to try my hardest to inspire others to fight it, as well. Because the capacities of our emotions are so incredible, so unrivaled and so inherent of so much more potential than any other creatures on the Earth that I find it among the most tragic of disasters that so much of this potential is left to wither away and die rather than being embraced and shared among us.

In the midst of all the chaos of everyday life, there just isn’t time to devote the resources of the mind to fully comprehend what is nesting away right there in each of our heads to be gained from. But it is there. And I think that the differences here, between what is commonly felt and what is only felt during the most extreme cases, is one of the factors that make the consideration so powerful. On a typical day, barring a random encounter with a particularly deep thought or a memory or a song or a scene from a movie, we do not tend to devote time to these depths within our minds. But this same tendency creates the differential that gives so much value to these depths when we can devote the time to appreciate them, when that certain song does randomly play on the radio or when we set out mindfully to click it. When relating to someone who is sharing their sorrows—whether it’s an actor in a movie or a singer in a song or a dear friend on the phone or sitting right there next to you—the invoked feelings you must be experiencing are in such contrast to what you feel in the vast majority of the passing moments of your regular routine that the mere difference here provides a springboard for appreciation and for empathy of the highest importance.

Empathy is what I’m trying to get at, here, overall. Empathy is when you can be sorry and compassionate with someone (even with someone portraying an actor or singing a song), and clothe yourself in the mantle of another person's emotional reactions—to genuinely understand and relate to what they’re going though. I think the capacity to experience this is one of the highest beauties of this world. That any one of us has the ability to peer so deep into the mind of another, to relate their experiences with those of our own, and to offer our own personal insights and our best personal advice or just simply share in the collective appreciation of this connection, is just astounding. Pick any two random people in the world, and (barring communication barriers) they have untold potential to share, to learn, and to appreciate between and from each other.

…And there are over seven billion of us. Endless possibilities abound.

So we can all do it—share, reflect, learn, and appreciate what each of us has to offer ourselves, and each other. Even if it’s nothing more than a touching song that relates to something you’ve been feeling, or through empathy have the capacity to feel almost as if you did, and you feel like someone else might also feel for, this is a luxury. A luxury beyond compare, because even though our minds and our hearts reside only in our own experiences, we have the ability to express them for others to relate to. Endless possibilities are laid daily at our feet, and at the feet of others, and our minds are subject to nothing but our own applications of our thoughts and feelings and experiences in terms of these. They can be shared, to whatever extent any person is willing to share them. We all can identify with each other with even the smallest effort. Even the deepest-felt sorrows are really beauty-filled meadows with more than enough space for all of your acquaintances and personal interests to gather and work together toward some positive end. We all share this inherent capacity to relate to each other’s feelings, and only offering some raw, unfiltered expressions will open the door for others to come in and join you in your considerations. There is a profound beauty in sorrow if we let it flow through our being and shape our understanding of this crazy world and the events which unfold within it.

Sometimes there is nobody around you to share with, or at least nobody who is willing to climb down beside you. In these cases, perhaps making up the majority of such instances, it is crucial that you be able to work through the pain and sorrow and regret entirely within the confines of your own mind to find the beauty that is hidden within. Reminiscing on old, dearly missed good times can foster more appreciation in that you ever even had the opportunity to be so content. Reflecting on a failed relationship of any sort or some attempts that never quite made it that far can bring some very troublesome feelings, but they offer so much insight. So relating to a powerful song or scene from a movie can help you because you can recognize the sorrow in a way that applies it somehow to your own mind. And knowing that somebody else in the world felt something so strikingly similar and was able to express it in ways that channel the connection for you to grasp can be such a comfort. Sometimes this is all you need in the world to feel a little bit more at ease. Ultimately, sorrow makes the good, and even the potential for good, that much more beautiful. And thus, the best is yet to come.

Posted by Unknown | at 2:29 AM | 1 comments

Your Persistent Insistence

(July 26, 2011)

We’ve been running in circles now for far too long
I just don’t understand why you feel it’s so wrong
Too stubborn to grasp what's been here all along
Here staring us right in the face…

Every moment we share is so precious, at worst
I want so much more I’m afraid I will burst
But I know that I am not alone in this thirst
If only we’d finish this chase…

But when the struggles turn fierce I can close my eyes tight
And summon your presence with all of my might
While we’re laughing and loving you’re bathed in the light
Of a hope more intense than the sun
But my sheer force of will holds no power against
Your persistent insistence to run…

Any soft spoken word full of hinting within
Makes all of my armor just peel from my skin
And I’m left here to tremble and shiver again
As you inevitably wander away…

Every touch of your skin and the warmth of embrace
Every single last treasured brief glimpse of your face
Seem somehow to never be more than a taste
Despite anything I can say…

But when the struggles turns fierce I can close my eyes tight
For as long as I care we have unending night
And we’re laughing and loving this beautiful sight
Where our wildest dreams cannot be undone
But my sheer force of will is never enough with
Your persistent insistence to run…

You seem so content to remain on your own
And I just don’t know how to lead you from your throne
What good is the safety and comfort concealing
All of these things we both know you’re feeling?

I’ve let all the depths of my feelings display
And by now you would think I’d have seen things your way
…I’ve tried, but there’s no way to just wish you away.

Posted by Unknown | at 9:13 PM | 0 comments

Reweaving the Tattered Threads

(July 23rd, 2011; revised April 4th, 2012)



























Have you, or has someone you’ve witnessed, ever fallen out of touch with a dear friend, whether for obvious ugly reasons or for more subtle, gradual ones? I know I’ve seen this far too many times, personally. Thankfully it has not happened to me on so many occasions, but I can’t really say the same for most people in general. From what I’ve witnessed over the years, I think that so many people are too willing to let go of a connection that should be treasured as nothing else in this world has any right to be treasured. And especially in this day and age, with the advent of all this technological prowess, this needs not ever be the case. There is so much opportunity for communication, and friendly relations with fellow human beings brings so much vast, priceless beauty into our lives like nothing else can, and only the most extreme of unfortunate cases should have even the possibility of the power to sever such incredible connections.

So often people seem obliged to just sit around and proclaim that a certain person will call or text them if they “really cared.” But this attitude is woefully self-righteous, because that other poor person has every right to feel the exact same way. Does either person really have a more justified reason to be so stubborn? In some extreme cases, maybe a person has made a dozen calls or texts or emails or some other method of reaching out that have all gone unanswered—in this case they may have a strong point, if no reasonable attempts have succeeded in getting through. If a person is refusing all attempts at communication, then there’s only so much one can do. But this person could still keep on keeping on, if only because there may be some legitimate reason for the lack of communication. In the most dramatic cases it really might just mean that the other person is simply uninterested in any further communication—unfortunate, but it happens. In such cases the burden of reciprocity really does fall on this other person to make some sort of effort in response. You can only reach out so many times before the very act of doing so becomes such a burden that it begins to reduce your own feelings of connectedness toward nonexistence.

There should be a balance. If you want to converse with someone, you should be able to call, text, or otherwise make contact with them with a reasonably likely chance to be received and responded to. And if not in a reasonable amount of time, for some valid reason, then you should be able to expect a return call, text, email, or whatever other means of communication in the near future. It shouldn’t be a constant one-sided battle, and it shouldn’t boil down to a persistent stubbornness from both sides to be the one to receive the effort at some cryptic time of day. It should be a shared connection. I don’t think there is a more effective, efficient way to retain such a blazingly glorious of worldly appreciation. It takes two to truly effectively converse, and no party should assume the default “advantage.” Ideally, you would initiate contact with your friend just as much as your friend initiates contact with you (all other things being equal) and gender, race, age, circumstance, and the like should not have much of an impact on this ratio.

But yet I’m always hearing complaints from friends that other friends don’t ever contact them. And I usually ask “well, have you tried contacting them?” to which there is, most of the time, some half-justified excuse about having already tried some number of times, without some desired response, and in most cases this person, the self-proclaimed “victim”, is now just sitting around and feeling like they shouldn’t have to be expected to make any more attempts. Fair enough, I suppose, if you really are willing to accept the likelihood that most of the communication is now over—because that is the probable outcome with such an attitude. Your own attitude is likely to be reflected upon the other, and this is one of the many, many situations in which optimism simply trumps all other mindsets.

There are far too many potential factors that may be involved and may be able to explain in completely rational and understandable terms why a person has not been responding as promptly as another person feels they should be. Work, condition of phone or computer, available funds, family life, and random disasters are just a few of the more generic examples. But maybe you know, somehow, that none of these genuine factors are among the underlying reasons for their lack of response. In this case we are back to where we were earlier, where at some point the burden of reciprocity falls on them. And while they might just simply be ignoring you, this is not the most rational and reasonable thing to assume (and I am assuming that your closer friends would not, by definition, behave like this toward you). At this point things rely very heavily on how well you know this person and how they interact with others (with yourself, most importantly). If your judge of character is even slightly effective, then you should have already filtered out such troublesome people. But to be filtered out so early on is a hefty assumption that such a person is so blatantly obvious in their reckless relations with friends; most of the time you probably would not have seen this coming. And so this is an extremely difficult matter to puzzle out. In an ideal world this simply would not ever be the case, but, alas.

There is another similar yet very different problem, in which someone has not lost physical contact with a dear friend but has lost the emotional connection itself. Because there really are some valid reasons for a loss of contact with another—namely one or both moving or any number of significant lifestyle changes which may render the communication practically futile. This is where I categorize most of my own lost communications. Although I’m not proud of any of them, I understand that the factors of life just play out in such a way sometimes. I at least have never been in a fight that drove a friendship away entirely, thank goodness. They are not tied to any feelings of resentment or other harsh realizations. But the crucial idea here is that the communication should still be possible; regardless of the severity of the situation, although something as extreme as a friend moving thousands of miles away AND somehow losing all communicative resources does pretty much cancel all possibilities. Of course at this point it’s literally unavoidable, and so you really have no choice but to move on to those connections that you actually have some control over. This argument is, of course, not about those hopeless cases. If they ever did reach back out to you, as their situation improved, things would rapidly approach normal again.

And so stressed again is the idea that a deep, meaningful connection between two (or more) people is absolutely precious considering the insane complexities of any individual mind and the immeasurable factors of this far-reaching phenomenon of life and the thick, tangled mess of its intertwining vines of influence in and out among the billions and billions of the individuals which comprise it. The ranges of interests and mindsets and thoughts and devotions of the humans inhabiting this world are intense and wildly eccentric and so I find it one of the most incredible luxuries that any set of people can really connect on a level deep enough to truly understand and appreciate each other’s company. Don’t give this up! Don’t let petty disagreements and unbalanced responsibilities tarnish this most powerful and meaningful of pursuits. If you have to make the call four times out of five, so be it. If the other person comes to the same conclusions, and feel like they are making the call four times out of five, then this won’t even be an issue because you’ll both be grabbing hold of the reins of communication whenever a desire is felt and then the only concern that’s left to deal with is when you both try to call each other at the exact same time and only get set back by a busy signal (or straight to voicemail, as land lines lose their relevance).

This conscience entanglement with your fellow humans is perhaps the most valuable commodity on the planet. You can’t get it anywhere else, and its depth is typically in some way proportional to the time and intensity you’ve spent with the person. If you drop everyone from your contacts list who hasn’t independently contacted you within any prior week, or month, then you may soon find yourself without a single long-lasting friend. Obviously there is some filtering going on between those friends that don’t necessarily need to say something on any particular day to remain in your esteem and those friends who will be remorselessly forgotten after some arbitrary period of non-communication—so why the extreme differences? Clearly it’s because of the depth of the connection, and the expectations you have placed on their friendship, but just as clearly this very depth had to come from somewhere in much the same way these failed attempts did. And so it comes down to the details that set some certain connections apart from the rest, and this is where your own judgment truly comes into the equation, for you can set these parameters to whatever reasonable, considerable levels you feel are adequate to suit your desires. But be wary, because any drastic requirements are going to be exaggerated when applied to the real world full to its brim of unimaginably complex interactions among its inhabitants. Expecting more out of some people is only going to increase the likelihood that they will not live up to it. Perhaps it is better to just play it by ear, in a sense. The frequency with which a person contacts you is just the result of a complicated chain of causes and effects which somehow trickle down into their allocation of time and devotion they feel compelled to express toward you. Who is anyone to demand any more than this?

I really don’t feel like there is any situation in which a person should lose all hope in another’s eyes—because everybody has the capacity to better themselves, and not only has this capacity but also the inherent desire to do so. So when presented with the opportunity to reconnect with a distant acquaintance, no matter the extent of the distance, be it mental of physical or some combination of both, you should grant them at the very least the attention necessary to determine whether or not the prior issues have been improved upon. I like to think that in most cases this will indeed be true, but in the worst-case scenarios you will (hopefully) quickly realize whether this really is not the case. And if not, if things really are still so unfavorable, if the deciding factors have not improved in any substantial way, then it should be no difficult feat to simply revert back to the non-communication that existed just before the attempt. But the attempt itself is absolutely worthwhile. The possibility of a reconnection is priceless in the face of nothing at all. And you should be always on lookout for the opportunities to do the same thing—give an old friend a call. Take a browse through your contacts, and you’ll probably find someone you miss communicating with. What’s the harm in giving it a shot? They may be one of those people sitting around wondering why their friends are not taking it upon themselves to put forth some effort. Frustrating as it may be, it could make the difference between a friendship slipping away into distant memory and one rekindled by the simple act of speaking or typing a few friendly, heartfelt words.

I like to reflect upon the lyrics of Richard Marx’s gorgeous song “Better or Worse,” in which he sings “Everywhere I look around, it seems when things break down it’s easier to just throw them away. But a promise left to die can sometimes still surprise, and start breathing in the morning’s lighter day. And the hearts that learn to bend are the only ones who mend when they’re broken.” The song may be intended for a romantic couple, but I like to slightly twist lyrics so that they apply just as well to other similar things. It’s not much of a leap, really. The same fundamental appreciations exist between friends and romances; they just reside within different contexts and priorities. But they apply just as well. He later sings “And I am going to love you, even when it hurts.” because, well, it is going to hurt. This hurt can be used to some soul-searching advantages.

A similar idea is expressed in Don Henley’s beautifully written song “Heart of the Matter” in which he sings “I’ve been trying to get down to the heart of the matter, but everything changes, and my friends seem to scatter but I think it’s about forgiveness… even if you don’t love me anymore.”

And Aaron Lewis sings his heart out in his first solo album’s song titled “Vicious Circles” when he croons “We run in vicious circles until we’re dizzy with disdain, and there’s miles and miles between us, yet we still remain.” Because once you’ve established such a connection, it doesn’t matter where in the world you move to, or what you do, or how much time passes between communications—your memory has recorded the companionship, and your lifestyle has been affected in some way so that the potential will always remain. Nothing but your own stubbornness or unwillingness will keep this from you, provided the other party returns the efforts in even the smallest imaginable fashion.

These masters of poetic thoughts have captured the essence of this idea, that there are incredibly valuable factors running much, much deeper than one’s desire to be the center of attention in a relationship. Problems should be considered, addressed, and mutually sought after for correction. Trials effectively dealt with will help to weave the threads ever more powerfully. If some friends have wronged you in some way, as long as it has not been so profoundly horrible as to cause you to curse their name for all time, then forgiveness is always a viable option. It’s okay to hurt over somebody. It’s okay to miss their face, their laughter, and their joking mannerisms. It’s okay to long for the time when it seemed as if hardly anything was ever on their mind but to find out where you were and what you were doing, and to offer their company or invite you to theirs. These are positive hurts, because it reminds you of how much another person ever meant to you. And just imagine how many people might be feeling the same way about you.

If you are clutching the tattered threads of a dear friendship in your hands, realizing the damage that has been done before it’s too late, then before the connection is severed completely you have every reason and every opportunity to reweave the fragile, precious strands into an even more powerful bond. Do this carefully, and do it together, and the strengths of this connection have every right to be more deeply entwined and as stable as possible. Sometimes all it takes is a humble acceptance of a shortcoming on your own part (and perhaps also their humble acceptance of a shortcoming on their part), and the stage is set for the possibility of a revival of a truly personalized partnership unlike anything you can find anywhere else. The uniqueness of each individual means that every single such connection is remarkably valuable in its own right, and cannot be substituted in any other way. Each one is unimaginably precious and should only be discounted entirely under the most extreme unfortunate circumstances when nothing within reason can be done by either party.

I think that the nature of these connections—which require so much effort from all sides involved—simultaneously makes them extremely difficult to establish and maintain but by the very same nature they are luxuries far more valuable than any worldly possession you can ever get your hands on. So don’t let them go so easily. Fight to keep at least some strand of friendship between yourself and anybody whose companionship you have ever appreciated. You will never find the same connections again, but you can build up throughout your time on the Earth as many intertwining threads as you are willing to keep hold of and weave as intricate and as powerful a rope as you are willing to put effort into. This rope, signifying so many relations you hold so dear with our fellow members of humanity, will always be there to hold on to, to grasp when life takes one of its unfortunate turns, there to help you right yourself and appreciate the things that truly matter because they truly care about you. And your life will be demonstrably fuller and more meaningful and more rewarding because of your efforts, and by these efforts so many countless other lives will be just as demonstrably fuller and more meaningful as well. Because, of course, just as you will benefit from their devotions, so will each of these recipients benefit in kind, because of you and your efforts, and the incredible sum of joys and sorrows and memories that are yours to share together if you would only work together to reweave the tattered threads of a once-flourishing bond of friendship.

Posted by Unknown | at 5:57 PM | 1 comments

Falling To Our Knees





If you've ever failed to achieve some goal you've set out to attain, so carefully planned out and brightly shining in your own mind, or have ever been suddenly dismissed by the person or people you’ve put so much effort and consideration into pursuing some path together with (friendly, romantic, business), or have ever been struck with a spontaneous, profound realization of reality you never saw coming, then you must know what it feels like to sink down into the depths of the awkward, uncertain musings of uncertainty and near-overwhelming anxiety. You must know what it's like to feel that sting of skinned knees as the strength of your core falters and the pillars of your emotional foundations collapse to the earth.
But there is hope even here, as you stare at the dirt surrounding you as you reach out to grapple something, anything of substance. The acceptance of personal weaknesses, when coupled with a positive outlook, is such a beautiful combination with so much potential. On one hand, you have the realization of a weakness, a fault and, in turn, the means to do something about it because you have identified its existence. This is the first and foremost step. Then, on the other hand, you have the hope which must exist within you and the goal for what you wanted so desperately to make of it. Our inherent intelligence allows us to establish goals and devise the means to achieve them, and identify with rational cause and effect analysis the source of a shortcoming. Whether or not the most direct blame appears to be within ourselves, our own obvious weaknesses are perhaps the best places of all to begin; this is from where there is not much room but to improve.
When you find yourself down on your battered knees it's that much clearer what needs to be done to stand right back up, now that you do not have that luxury you had taken for granted. The dirt and rubble tearing at exposed skin serves as a powerful demonstration of solidarity in something so persistently unchanging, yourself as a unique individual with a unique mind and unique pursuits despite having fallen due to some circumstance, almost as if the earth itself is saying to you "Get back up. There is only pain and boredom down here where nothing ever really changes on your timescale." You have a mind, and a will, and the recognition of pain and the boundless joy of success, so use that to your advantage. Find it. Something dragged you down, or shoved your over, and something can help to pull you back up. Oftentimes it is entirely within your own mind.
But within the more effective of these reactions is where the beauty lies: hope and determination and perseverance in the face of tragedy, no matter how tragic. And so even the darkest of times, the lowest of lows, the most skinned of knees, have their value if you just open your mind to what they can and should reveal to you, and make that exerted effort to identify and properly deal with.
There is just something about life in the pain of thrashed knees… something so deeply beautiful in its potential, in its revealing of failure upon you, and in the pride and thrill of overcoming it. Don’t ever fall down without gleaning some sense of how to avoid a repeated occurrence.
And then sometimes it isn't even necessarily sadness, or any sort of tragedy, that brings you to your knees… sometimes it is simple awe and admiration, or any sort of overwhelming rush of emotions. Some bit of powerful news might have been delivered unexpectedly, or some intellectual pursuit may have at last been revealed to you in its full implications—perhaps a profound realization, an epiphany so staggering to your understanding of the immensity of the universe around you strikes at your core and your legs surrender their proud stature in submission to the awesome might of the rational world.
I find this simple act so poetic. The beauty of existence and all of its complexities can often be overwhelming. It’s like a bow to the Earth, this primal gesture of submission, to nature itself, like saying “I understand that I am but the tiniest of all things in comparison.” Perhaps this is a subconscious way of dealing with the staggering, overwhelming rush of the intricacies in understanding the world all around you as this sensation brings to you a vision of your true place among all the factors of the Universe through a momentarily amplified sense of scale. As if such an acceptance forces an emotion of such humility that the only thing your body and mind can do to cope with it all is to collapse halfway to the Earth, where your weaknesses are the constructive opposites of your strengths and your mind can recollect itself as it takes it all in.
Once this effect has diminished enough for you to regain your senses, you hopefully have gained some sort of insight into yourself and into the importance of your place, and what led you to this circumstance. You may seem insignificant at times like these, but we (presumably) alone have the capacity to appreciate our existence in this way, and to truly make the best of it. Our potential for thought is limitless, as long as our mindset allows for it. Positivity is sorely underrated when it could be all we need to retain our former glory.
The strongest among us may not wear a crown. Those best suited to rise to a challenge may crumple under the pressure, while those you would never imagine to prove themselves so valiantly may seize the reins and achieve something absolutely, unimaginably incredible. No opportunity, nor any single person, should ever be discounted entirely. The most powerful gains sometimes occur when the stakes are at their most extreme… because there is always hope, no matter where you are or where you've been, no matter what you’ve done and what you intend… unless you yourself abandon it. So when you find yourself overcome with emotion, standing on the brink of a revelation powerful enough to shake you to your core, just let your knees fall to the Earth. Just let it happen. You may not even have the chance to consider this option, consumed in the moment, yet you will walk away in the end with a gain as powerful as you allow it to be.
Even the most capable among us must realize that we are practically powerless on a universal scale, unable to simply will the deepest workings of the universe to our desires. We must adapt to them. We cannot just hold out our hands and summon the cleansing rain we desire… but we can gaze into the horizon as the clouds inexorably roll in and fall to our knees as the refreshing waters inevitably wash over us… and in the brightness of the aftermath we can better ourselves to our wildest imaginations.

Posted by Unknown | at 5:53 PM | 0 comments

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